7/26/2012 12:19:00 AM


One of my favourite songs since a young kid.. used to write out the whole lyrics of this song again and again. weird but true ):

I'm on the floor counting one minute more
No one to break the silence
Staring into the night all alone but that's alright
It's the feeling deep inside I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
For breaking my heart, breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You're breaking my heart again

Here in my bed counting the words you've said
They linger in the shadows
Coming home late at night drunk again but that's alright
It's the look in your eyes I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
For breaking my heart, breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You're breaking my heart again

There is no excuse my friend
For breaking my heart, breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You're breaking my heart again

There is no excuse my friend
For breaking my heart, breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You're breaking my heart again.


Please don't break it anymore.

You know something. I may be naive bout relationships and this may be my first serious, serious relationship. but still. it took me one proper heartbreak to learn how strong love can be and the importance of clearing of all insecurities within one individually, instead of waiting for the day the other party chooses to leave you.

Although heartbreaks be it from a friend or lover leave you destroyed, you learn so much from these screwed up experiences.

And when such does happen, do whatever you can and look back with no regrets.

People teach you different things.
Some make you smile, some make you cry, some do both.
Some cause you to fall and injure yourself.
Overall, you'll be left alone with the people close to you supporting you back up.
But at the end of the day, it would be you alone, choosing to carry it out.
It would be just you, wanting to stand up once again.

7/26/2012 12:17:00 AM

One of my favourite songs since a young kid.. used to write out the whole lyrics of this song again and again. weird but true ):

I'm on the floor counting one minute more
No one to break the silence
Staring into the night all alone but that's alright
It's the feeling deep inside I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
For breaking my heart, breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You're breaking my heart again

Here in my bed counting the words you've said
They linger in the shadows
Coming home late at night drunk again but that's alright
It's the look in your eyes I don't like

There is no excuse my friend
For breaking my heart, breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You're breaking my heart again

There is no excuse my friend
For breaking my heart, breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You're breaking my heart again

There is no excuse my friend
For breaking my heart, breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You're breaking my heart again.


Please don't break it anymore.

You know something. I may be naive bout relationships and this may be my first serious, serious relationship. but still. it took me one proper heartbreak to learn how strong love can be and the importance of clearing of all insecurities within one individually, instead of waiting for the day the other party chooses to leave you.

Although heartbreaks be it from a friend or lover leave you destroyed, you learn so much from these screwed up experiences.

And when such does happen, do whatever you can and look back with no regrets.

People teach you different things.
Some make you smile, some make you cry, some do both.
Some cause you to fall and injure yourself.
Overall, you'll be left alone with the people close to you supporting you back up.
But at the end of the day, it would be you alone, choosing to carry it out.
It would be just you, wanting to stand up once again.

7/25/2012 01:55:00 AM



Lifes been crazy and somehow everywhere I turn, theres ongoing politics. I'm not saying this based solely on an individual experience but just, from the people around me as well.

Despite spending a few hours in slumber with her, feeling extremely brain dead at the moment. Can't seem to phrase my literature work right. Sigh.. I'm missing her already.

With almost every single teacher reminding us bout how our condensed time tables will be taking place next week, it really gets to you bout how it seemed like only yesterday when you were once that small, naive kid looking at your seniors and wondering how As were like. And finally? At this very moment, you are left battling mountains and heaps of notes and papers in preparation for the A levels

Honestly? Really admire those people who can firstly, not only stay awake throughout every single lesson in school and of course, go home and study non-stop. But man do I seriously need to pick up those habits and secure that type of discipline. ):

Shall print out my worksheets and leave the lit for tmr. Sigh. Hopefully the outcome will be better? Nights.

Life will never be easy. But as you grow older, you discover so many things you never once knew, eventually accepting certain situations in life which you used to be so against. You grow up, meet new people, discover new things. However, do you know whats the scariest part of all of this?
Your innocence is killed and your eyes would eventually be open to how scary, heartless and judgmental the world can be.

7/24/2012 02:04:00 AM




Don't go to bed yet, love
I think it's too early
and we just need a little time to ourselves
If my wall clock tells me that it's 4 in the morning, I'll give it hell


Cause I've been trying way too long to try and be the perfect song
When our hearts are heavy burdens
We shouldn't have to bare alone


So goodnight moon and goodnight you
When you're all that I think about
All that I dream about
How'd I ever breathe without, a goodnight kiss from goodnight you


The kind of hope they all talk about
The kind of feeling we sing about
Sit in our bedroom and read aloud, like a passage from 'Goodnight Moon'


And sing for me softly love,
Your song for tomorrow
And tell me my name's the one that's hidden in there somewhere
And dream for me anything
but dream it in color about
We know the sun's still rising and we don't care


Cause I've been trying way too long to try and be the perfect song
When our hearts are heavy burdens
We shouldn't have to bare alone


So goodnight you and goodnight moon
When you're all that I think about
All that I dream about
How'd I ever breathe without, a goodnight kiss from goodnight you


The kind of hope they all talk about
The kind of feelings we sing about
Sit in our bedrooms and read aloud, like a passage from 'Goodnight Moon'
From 'Goodnight Moon'


And there you were, as I saw my Juliet
Come graceful down the stairs
It's hard to miss the way her eyes light up the room
And steal the air


Just feel her lips lock on to every breath I take
And breathe it in
Do you feel us falling?
Cause I feel us falling


So goodnight moon and goodnight you
When you're all that I think about
All that I dream about
How'd I ever breathe without, a goodnight kiss from goodnight you


The kind of hope they all talk about
The kind of feeling we sing about
Sit in our bedroom and read out loud, like a passage from 'Goodnight Moon'
Oh goodnight moon


And there you were,I saw my Juliet
Come graceful down the stairs
It's hard to miss the way her eyes light up the room
And steal the air


Do you feel us falling? Cause I can feel us falling. x6

7/23/2012 10:52:00 PM




  

7/21/2012 12:43:00 PM

Huge urge to go dancing along the streets.


in an extremely lame mood now. heh.

have lots of work due in an hour sooo, better start getting down to business..

Considering keeping this blog alive once again but with the huge workloads and what not, its mind boggling bout what being a student can do to you. But yet,we shall see :P wonder what to post though..
 Shall take it as we all go along with the flow :)

Went for a date with my baby girl yesterday and it was uh-mazin ;)
will be getting a haircut tomorrow and hopefully this adorable girl of mine wont deliberately ask them to cut off my whole fringe like last time..

You know something? The "8 days of hell" really got me learning and reflecting alot bout the people around me.
One thing I am extremely grateful for is my friends and buds throughout this experience. It came to a huge shock to me when many of my old classmates and schoolmates emailed me asking who I was and sharing their own experiences despite not even talking to them for years now. They were there for me whenever I broke down, be it in school or at home, or outside, they were always there pushing me back on my feet. My seniors, juniors and old friends who I've lost contact for so long now, calling and leaving messages really touched me.
It woke me up bout how many people I've really lost all contact with and brought back so many memories bout how close we once were.
To my jc buds for being there for me the whole way through, honestly, thank you for supporting me whenever I broke down and giving me awesome advice bout what to do, trying to make me laugh whenever you saw my walking around with a solemn face and the lunches and buying of materials to lighten the mood.
To my SC buds, especially to ash, cel, deborah, pearl, wen qian and zahrah for textingor calling me every single day asking how I was, choosing to come down all the way from other places to be there. And also the support while I was crying like a baby.
To my juniors, and one of them even calling me and crying while hearing me, giving me her insightful advice and owes me a bet with regards to chicken rice and the other calling me during the wee hours in the morning to laugh bout nonscence.
To my old buds, friends and seniors, thank you for the messages, texts of experiences and just the support and wishes.

I owe you guys so damn much for being there while I was falling and incapable of doing anything but crying and staring. And of course, the undying support despite the anger and knowing how crazy I was.

And now? With some of you smiling at me and slapping me across the arm.
Today I stand strong with the crazyness inside of me.

May this all mark a new day, stronger and of course, never forgetting what others have done.

Never give up when you really want something.
Something we learnt in school. With regards to A levels - "The next 70 (or less) days is gonna determine the next 7 years in your life"
Scary? But true.

Thank you guys. Will always have your back.

7/16/2012 03:14:00 AM





That’s not my reflection.
That’s not me.
That creature I see staring back in the mirror,
it isn’t me.
But yet its watching my every move.
The slightest gestures?
It follows.
The eye bags and puffy eyes?
That’s not me, no it isn’t.
The tired face with no smile in sight?
That isn’t me.
I wave my hand as the imposter does the same.
I scream at it and all it does is screams back at me.
It’s yelling, I hear it.
Muttering under my breath,
“Stop shouting, please.”
It stays silent.
The obedient creature just stares back at me as I do the same.
“What the hell has happened to you?”
It lowers its head in shame.
Finally.
Just as I turn my back and walk away?
It does the exact same thing,
walking away and disappearing into the darkness.


Since young, I've never been able to get eye bags be it from sleep or crying. But looking in the mirror today? The past few days have indeed been draining as hell.
But yet, there is evident recovery.
Honestly? Never ever give up.

7/13/2012 02:31:00 AM

Apologise bout my messed up tenses.

7/13/2012 02:16:00 AM


Made a video for this but well, its too long to be uploaded here so wasted my time ): argh. But heyy. Typing helps speaks what the mind and sometimes what the mouth can't speak.

Where to start. Just gonna type whatevers in my mind.

Its been a while and today marks the first day without tears and honestly, thank you everyone who has been texting me or sending me messages. And those who had to witness me break down so badly, i'm so sorry and thank you so much for being there.

Alright.
Lets begin...
Hello, well. Let me introduced myself, I'm Ruth, a weirdo who may have been dropped as a kid. Do you know why I say so? Cause everyones calling me crazy and stupid for what I've been doing and somehow, I'm slowly beginning to agree.

The past few days haven't exactly been the best days for me but I'm grateful for everyone who has been there to back me up. I'm slowly standing up once again.

Today, someone asked me what love meant to me and if she meant that much to me.
Well. To place it simply. What is my definition of love?

Let me tell you a story, so bare with me.(apologise for my grammatical errors bout mixing my tenses

Last year, 21st May? I met this girl. Its a really funny story cause I met her through a friend and at first, it was all awkward especially being a really shy cheeseball, didn't know how to talk to her. Eventually, we began to talk more and more and got really close.

Let me tell you something bout this girl I met. She is.. *breathes in* one of a kind.
Why? This girl, man. If you ever get the chance to meet her? Shes gonna the funniest and wittiest person you'll ever get to meet, beautiful both on the inside and the outside, loving, amazing, eccentric, adorable... Overall? There will never, I repeat. NEVER be a word in the whole dictionary to ever describe what kind of person she is cause honestly? Shes one of a kind. Shes loyal and filial to her family, to her friends and is constantly placing others before herself. So yes, shes.. amazing.. and I'm honoured to have gotten the chance to meet her.
Okay okay. Before I never stop typing, lets carry on.

We began to talk to one another every single day, online, texts, calls.. We got closer and closer.

Soon, we began to notice how similar we are. Honestly, never have I met ANYONE who knows of Best 1999 or Best 2000 and all the weird shows I've watched as a kid.. Be it physically (dimple etc.) or emotionally, we couldn't stop feeling so fascinated by how similiar we were.
However, over time, we grew older. Despite stepping out of that sweet, sugary "honeymoon phase", we didn't stop laughing, smiling with one another. We learnt we were alot more different than we thought. But that didn't stop us. We fought through all battles together, grew stronger and got more informal with one another.

We changed alot for one another and as a person. I assure you, a majority being for the good for ourselves and everything. Be it good or bad? Its up to us to decide. Cause honestly, the day you enter a relationship or a friendship, you'll notice that no one can else ever be the judge cause no one else, despite similar experiences or someone who dated alot/ have tons of friends? Would never feel the exact same way you do cause only you, alone, experienced it.

And the online calls?
Trust me, it hurts like hell. Like, crazy. When you are apart from someone you love, the thought of being unable to hold them and kiss them anytime you want. It hurts like shit. So badly.. And you wouldn't know what to do. I mean, text messages and calls may be available but when you hear that persons voice, it literally becomes music to your ears. These video calls shaped us, however it brought about its boons and banes. Eventually, leading to its consequences. For example, both of us being pretty busy people. I mean, come on, JC and Poly ain't easy at all. They are both as tough especially in this country. Having to wake up everyday at 6am and usually having to endure late nights can really kill my mood. I don't know how she does it but I thank her for enduring my horrendous moods. And when she's stressed, would do whatever I could to make her laugh. And when we are both stressed? We both become grumpy before laughing at one another. I am not asking her to thank me but more of, thanking her for all shes done right now.

Sometimes we do end up fighting, but it doesn't matter whos fault it is cause everyone has a part to play in it. Throughout this whole relationship, honestly? We've both hurt one another in many ways. Will not compare or anything but, be it any punch, slap, curse, fight whatever, the relationship to me still stay amazing. No matter how many fights, disagreements, breakups, anything negative? And us being jealous really easily?
I know we had the kind of relationship that you would never ever, so easily come across. I really have to say, we were still the cutest, adorable, most eccentric, weirdest couple you would ever see. I mean come on, when you place two weird eccentric people together, you will always get a bizarre result. But still, I love the result.

Okay, you? Yes you, the person reading this. Now imagine someone you love/like made you angry. Perhaps for being late for a date? Or accidentally spilled coffee all over your work? You know how you would have this soft spot for them which makes you forgive right after they give you those "puppy-dog" eyes or a hug or a kiss?
YES. I have a HUGE MEGA SOFT SPOT for that girl.. I don't believe in hitting or cursing anyone I love and annoyingly, can never get angry with that person. And guess what? She never fails to use her ways to make me feel bad for being angry.. I really dont know how she does it but she sure has that adorable factor, and I love it.
And me? Being no where close to being "adorable" and as pro as her? Yeah, its more of, I'm really sorry before we talk everything out.

 Over time, we learnt more bout one another. Whenever you're in a relationship, you must always work on the problem based on how you and your partners like. For example.. since i'm wearing a panda shirt right now. If I'm on a bear rampage, just feed me bamboo. And once full or calm, just tap my furry shoulder and ask what was that about
...
So yes, I'm kind of someone who respects the other person's decision, someone who trusts what you say. Not someones who is fickle minded? But more of.. I trust you know what you are doing. So if you tell me you wanna fly a plane, I'll respect your decision and just watch you fly your plane! And overtime while being with her, I learnt she wanted me to fight for her. She wanted me to know what I wanted.

So, I have been fighting. Its been tough. Made a video, came down, waiting for her. She has been walking away from me. Stop walking away from me yet start walking towards me.

Whoever reads this? Never ever, EVER stop fighting for something or someone you really want. Think to yourself and once you fix that confident thought in your head? Fight for it and don't ever stop.
Only till that moment you begin to fall ill and notice how weak you're getting. Its alright, in the future? Look back with no regrets cause you know you've tried and fought.
Yes you may have messed up big time, I know I have.
But once you've tried. You know you did try. You didn't stop.

And when you say something, you better mean what you say. Cause once you lie, you lose all your credibility. You lose that trust, it gets broken. When you mean something, say it. Say and do what you mean. So when you say something and no one believes you? Like, if this goblin seriously came up to you and told you the worlds coming to an end? You know its true, no one might believe you but stand for what you know is true cause you honestly have nothing to hide. No guilt, nothing.

Things may be tough, but its not the end of the world. (Unless a goblin comes up to you.)


So yes. No matter whatever happened and everything going badly for the past few days, it is never gonna make me feel any sense of regret bout sharing this experience with her or am I ever gonna be cursing at anyone at the moment cause it means/meant everything to me. It means/meant the world to me. So what if you've hurt me before, I honestly don't care. Cause all I would say would be, "I love you." and kiss you on the lips.

Whoever reads this, go ahead and judge me. But let me say something, anykind of relationship? Be it love or friend? Its not impossible to make the impossible, possible. I used to be really stuck to ze life quote bout expecting the unexpected and unexpect the expected? Exactly. Nothing is ever easy.

You'll stand up eventually.

So yup, thats love to me.Difficult, complicated, but yet, worth every single second of my life.
----

Down with a fever and really tired. Didn't get to sleep well or much sooo. nights peeps.

7/12/2012 06:57:00 PM


Today in school, a good friend of mine introed me this song. She said it related closely to what I'm feeling at the moment and the first line was all it took for me let out a small smile.
These words sure do sound familiar.

 
I need some time just deliver the things that I need for now
Everything that I feel's like a warm deep calm casting over me
And it's taking me to somewhere new


If you believe that everything's alright
You won't be all alone tonight
And I'd be blessed by the light of your company,
Slowly lifting me to somewhere new


Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well
Since the last time that we spoke, you said
"Please understand if I see you again don't even say hello."


Please.


What a night it is, when you live like this
And you're coming up beneath the clouds,
Don't let me down
All the love's still there I just don't know what to do with it now
You know, I still can't believe we both did some things
I don't even wanna think about
Just say you love me and I'll say "I'm sorry,
I don't want anybody else to feel this way"
No, no, no


Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well
Since the last time that we spoke, I said
"Please understand I've been drinking again, and all I do is hope"


Please... stay
Please stay


I'll admit I was wrong about everything
Cause I'm high and I don't wanna come down
All the fun that we had on your mothers couch,
I don't even wanna think about


I'm not strong enough for the both of us
What was I supposed to do
You know I love you
Whoa-oh


Please just stay
Stay.

- Stay by Mayday Parade.

7/12/2012 04:15:00 AM

My heart hurts. My head hurts. My hands hurts. They won't stop shaking. You are giving up on me. It's my fault. I'm sorry. It's okay if you don't believe me. I understand. Her words of never making her happy ring in my ears. She's been moving on. Ruth. Stop crying. Smile. I feel worse than I've ever felt before.. Breathe. She doesn't love you anymore. Move. Shes blocked you. She has no heart for you. The blames still All on you. Close your eyes. Go to sleep. Fall in a slumber and never wake up. Stuck forever in a nightmare. Till one day someone you give your heart to learns to trust you. You'll be awake once again. Now sleep. Close your eyes and never wake up again.

7/12/2012 03:57:00 AM

Please call E. ack. My hands are shaking and trembling so badly. You blocked my number. I'm not lying. I didn't stop. Call Me now. Please. I wouldn't be able to sleep

7/12/2012 02:31:00 AM




I used to believe in so many things because of you.
Do you still remember such moments, the feeling?

The first sentence you ever said to me with affection which made me rush all the way down to see you? "I wish I could just touch your face."
I can never forget that pain I felt when I saw you cry and look at me helplessly.
Now, I dont know whats going on in your head.

I want to give my love and heart to someone who actually cares. Who doesn't want to run away. Someone who actually appreciates what I do for them. Someone who can actually trust me after dating me for so long. Someone who would never lie or deliberately hurt me. Someone who would work all problems out with me. Basically, someone who truly loves me.

Will you ever get the chance to read these posts all dedicated to you? I honestly doubt it yet will feel amazed that this is where I made my first ever confession to you, leading to that one call at 3am, the night before my GP mid year paper in 2011.
And now? Once again, me pouring my heart to you.
When was the last time you did so?

But yet.
Literally, baring it all out for you to see and read my mind.

Will you ever get the chance to read this? Or will you always be avoiding me and listening to the people around you.
If you feel something, tell me. Call me. Don't hide it from me or expect me to know cause honestly, I will never know unless you ever tell me.
Do what you want to do and dont ever let others help you make decisions and be the judge to something you experienced.

Just like an examination. Or perhaps a holiday you went with your friends or family. No one would know exactly how you felt but you, individually. The people around you can always give you advice and reassurance. But at the end of the day, its your life, not theirs to control. You make the decisions. No one else.

To the girl of my dreams, let your defenses down just for a few seconds and believe when i say, I love you from the bottom of my heart. And i know I can always make you happy if you just trust me.

For now. I'm stepping out of my depressed, pathetic shell.
I'll move. Not remain stagnant but yet actually take the next step forward.

But honestly, since this post is before the next.
If you are here to judge what I said or someone who doesn't believe a thing I say, honestly. Don't waste your time and cancel the tab and do something else online. Every word I say in the next post means something to me.

No one is at fault. Cause seriously, it takes two hands to clap.
So if you want to beat anyone up, you find me. Dont you dare disturb whoever else included in my post. You, face me.

But still, to the girl of my dreams. I shouldn't be fighting or waiting for you to wake me up from this nightmare, I've been injured during the tough battle alone.
From my utmost sincerity, I'm really sorry for all I've ever done to you.
Yes I've been treated badly, but still. I played a part and huge fault in where we are now. I am so so sorry.

Every single word I say, I swear on my life, is a hardcore fact.
Once again, i'm sorry.

If you do get to see this. When I was crying infront of everyone yesterday, all that i could think of was.
Where are you. Didn't you promise to be there whenever I cried, bitch slap whoever dared to bully me? To be there to hold me whenever I felt pain and hurt?
Especially when its usually a rare moment, it hurt even more when it was your own peer and you being the one making me upset.

Whenever I close my eyes, I recall how you were upstairs waiting for me, being right there after I was being scolded by my parents. You were wearing a blue Jacket-like vest, holding me tightly in your arms as I ran towards you and broke down right in front of you. You whispering into my ear that you were right there with me.

And the other scenario during the sleepover which caused the permanent scars. You saw me break down horribly in front of you and you held me tight within your arms and whispered into my ears words of comfort and love. Applying fucicort for me and kissed me to stop crying.

Right now, you are no where to be seen. Not even taking the slightest attempt to protect me in any way possible.

Ps. I meant it when I said, I love you.

And if till now, you can't see how my love for is genuine, that would be really upsetting.
I assure you since the day I said I would always love you be it with or without makeup, with bad breath after you wake up in the morning next to me, constantly pulling the sheets away from, insulting my height and bout loving you till you have wrinkles grow a whole head of white hair, I meant every single word I said. No lies.
-

Need to sleep. Whole bodys aching and visions turning blur..
Good night world.

Whoever wants to clarify anything or accuse anyone of doing whatever, find me, dont touch anyone else..

7/12/2012 01:56:00 AM

Dear fellow readers. Or well, the future Ruth.

Ruth, you've gone through enough torture. Yes you can be patient and always have a soft spot for someone especially when you may love them but honestly? There is a limit they can push you.
Stand up for yourself.

Hah. I've been enduring enough humiliation. And I've stoop to lower than dirt for you.
To anyone who gets to read this, do whatever you can to fight for someone you truly love. But when the person who claimed to love you took forever to reply you, deliberately block you, remember. They've stopped loving you long time ago.

Yes it hurts like fuck as though someone has literally stab you right in the bloody heart. Or if you are as dumb as me, have a bruise on your chest.
You will honestly eventually wake up.

You fight for that person. And if that person falsely accuses you for lying or perhaps not even recognise a single effort you place. Know this, you've done your part and you've nothing to regret. Honestly. I know its ALOT easier said than done but after hearing this from a bud, deb, "It must be first said in order for it to be done." It really struck me.

If someone truly loves you, they would never hurt you this far. Yes you are a bloody messed up kid who messed up BIG TIME, again and again. Stop. Now think bout what he/she has done. Now you feel like you deserved whats going on, but you've fought. So don't feel a damn emotion of remourse.

Let me share with you my 7 days of hell. I would normally call it heaven? But its been fucking hell and painful for me.

I wanted to write this whole post filled with so much remorse but I feel so fucking betrayed that anger tends to seep in once in a while.

Let me get this straight. I've met this one hell of an amazing, committed, beautiful both on the inside and outside, witty, loyal, trustworthy, always there for me, eccentric ....
Well. Basically one of a kind, girl. The girl of my dreams..

She opened my eyes to so many things, made me happy, and just gave me a reason to smile everyday.

Now. Honestly, enduring my cheesy behaviour, how lame i can get, obsession over Shakespeare quotes, eccentricness ESPECIALLY my HORRENDOUS mood swings, ain't easy.
Yes, this "mood swing" issue has been stuck with me for quite some time now.
Throughout this whole relationship, i've been a bitch. A mood swingy bastard.
So when you step on my tail when I'm tired or perhaps stressed up, I might give attitude and end up letting out, well, a huge "roar".
But, being someone whos extremely emotional, "cry baby" and with high tolerance level. I tend to be unusually understanding and quick to forgive especially when it comes to someone I love. Taking only just a cute face or perhaps a kiss and a hug to make the anger go away. Or at most? A few minutes before I'm hugging you back and kissing you all over once again.
All that would be playing in my head or sometimes said aloud, " Just shut up and kiss me already!!!" or even pounce on you :P

On the other hand, this dream girl of mine. She has her anger issues and may tend to unintentionally hurt the other party. And, others.
BUT. Shes humorous, loving and can easily soothe her anger.

I would type more but its more for that person to write bout it, not me at the moment.


Main point : 8 Days of Hell.
Day 1: The day of the breakup.

Summery? I was an emotionless and harsh bastard.
Was suffering from a horrendous migrane that day. And due to a previous fight which added on the tension, the quarrel got worse.
Even so, it is no good excuse to ever say ,"Look at you, you are miserable with me, dont be with me." when the love of your life is crying away. I don't blame her for hurting me till today.

 I was heartless, harsh. Literally, ruthless. If i could ever go back in time, I would punch me right in the face and give myself a wedgey on a flag pole somewhere and leave me there all night. I hated myself.

After the whole "hu ha", ended up crying to my sis and two of my best buds. zahrah and cel. Couldn't sleep the whole night. Cried so badly till I began to hyperventilate.

( Okay, this is too much in detail, summary time...)

Day 2: The day AFTER the breakup.
Summery? Sent voice messages and texts to apologise and more crying.
Sent voice messages to the girl of my dreams to apologise, she didnt reply a single one of them. Hey, i pissed the shit out of her, I totally understand. I deserved it. I told her that i loved her and we would be able to work it out and just waited.
I felt pathetic as I sat on my bed staring at my phone the whole way through. Later in the day? Cried like a wailing baby to pearl who eventually came down all the way from woodlands to meet me and cheer me up at botanics and went for dinner at a nearby hawker.
After the whole thing? It was night. I couldn't get her off my mind, I wanted to hear her voice, tell her I'm sorry, that we will definitely work it out together, as a couple as we always promised. It rang and rang. And she didn't pick up. Okay, I understand.
Being one of those annoying peeps who owned an Iphone, checked out her FB profile and smiled to myself thinking, I need to show her how much she means to me. Reached home, went online...
"Single" , "Profile Pic?" - a genuine smile I havent seen for a long while.
I was fucking hurt. Cried to my buds and sis once again.

I deserved it. I was a fucking bastard. I deserved it.

Sent her a voice massage. Two. First, wishing her luck. Second, determined to fight for her.

Slept at 3am that night in hopes of uploading a video but decided not to cause it was, well. badly made. I wanted it to be perfect.

Day 3: The first day of school.
Summery? Ended up crying somemore. In school and at home.
Cried to my buds in school. And we decided to go for seoul garden to lighten the mood. Throughout the lunch, I couldn't stop thinking of her, wishing she was right next to me as we would delicately place one piece of meat after the other as I make sure its not too hot before feeding it to her and her doing the same as she laugh at how messy I am.

Dropped her text. Wanted to remind her that she will always be in my mind and that I would never forget her, that I loved her.

We also headed to popular to buy post its to make a video for her, which im still honestly, proud of and wished she could honestly appreciate.

Came home, no response. Started making my video till night. Filmed it on my phone cause of my stupid laptop switching off 5 times, and uploaded it overnight

Before I slept, dropped another text of good night and hugged my bolster to sleep.

Day 4: The Friday.
Went to school. Dropped a text.

Cried to a few of my classmates before us going out to destress. its been a while since i last held on to an xbox controller.

Finally, her first reply. to delete photos. I understood and agreed. She was cold for a reason, I understood. Its my fault, I deserved it. Its okay.

Went home. Determined to make the video perfect, reconverted the video a different way and miraculously, it worked. The moment it finished?
She replied that this was over, to stop texting her. That it was literally, nothing anymore between us.

Called her till she picked up. Short call. But basically bout bidding farewell.

Called 42 times, all either rejected or ignored.
(as crazy as i may sound, it took 93 calls the last break up so, the impossibles literally made possible in our past, special relationship)

She was amazing and extremely kind to have replied me. We texted overnight, made all my vows and promises to change for her, do something bout my moodswings, place more effort in this relationship, make sure shes not alone. Confessing my love for her throughout. She didnt mention a word of "I love you" at all. Its okay, I understand. Its my fault, honestly seriously.. imagine the love of your life saying the phrase above to you, you'll be fucking hurt. crushed.

She didn't believe me and called them all lies. I didn't blame her, she has every right to. I was a jerk.

Was patient and it lasted till the next morning..

Day 5: The Saturday of false Friendship.
Woke up early feeling so damn dizzy from the lack of sleep the day before. Was waiting all night for her response as I just stared at nothing but my phone grasp within my palm.

Tutor stared at me throughout and asked what was wrong. Even she could tell I was upset, crushed.

Our texts continued..
Summary?
(Once this year, I felt insecure bout everything and she took effort to come all the way down to my house to hold me in her arms and reassured me. She made me feel the genuine love we both shared. She was always there, as she promised.)
 > Told her I would be rushing down to her area no matter what she said.
- She called me crazy and threatened to file reports.
(Heyy, you can't blame the girl. Maybe she just didnt want to see me. but thats absurd.)
> Told her I would always fight for her (Something which I used to not upkeep so well, and she being upset bout how easily I would give up)
- She called me insane.
(I don't blame her, shes been hurt by me.)

Got a call from a friend who was trying to cheer me up, that ass had to search my name and found something I wasn't supposed to know. Then I learnt about all the hatred she had towards me.

Every single text I sent her was stared and mocked with hatred. I was hated to the core by her. She broke our promises. And she was moving on happily without me.
 I. was. fucking. upset. But still, its my fault. I deserved it. She has the right to hate me.
But. Breaking the limits, right after we broke up? Disillusioned that you would actually be touched by my texts, at least comforted? No, all hatred and mocked upon.
Ouch. But its okay. I deserved it.

Even my best bud texted me out of concern.







It went on till night. A classmate offered to meet me but it was too late to leave the house. Went for a walk and met two buds, ash and cel on the way, started crying like shit and ash, being the whacky one, bought lots of ice cream for us to eat and offered to plant cabbage.. but still.

Made a call to her asking for her final response.
My heart literally skipped a beat. Her voice was perfect to me, I missed her voice. I couldn't help but smile as i talked..
Then.. "No."

I couldn't hold in the hurt. Does she honestly not see how genuine any of my words are?

A few hours later, she called back. I didn't want her to ever go, wanted her to stay and even if shes still angry with me and feels awkward, I'll take initiative to start the convos. She can always depend on me.
It went on and on. She called, I called. I missed her voice. Its literally music to my ears.

As it went on, she dropped subtle hints that she was moving on happily without me.
Its okay, she should be happy. I am at fault, I was horrible.


 Day 6: The Sunday which used to be a day of love. Now of hatred, pure hatred.
She asked me to reflect, I did as she said. Anything for her.

She finally admitted, she did miss me. She loves me.
I was literally on cloud nine. Honestly? No cloud can describe how happy I was. Seriously.

But due to unexpected stuff, my response was delayed and gave her the wrong impression.

It went on, it was a little awkward and how i just tried to flirt a little, joke a little, trying to make everything back to normal, it was painful but worth the battle. I wasn't gonna give up just like how i used to, no way. We ended up talking till night, thats when things heated up.

The cursing came back.
"Fucking Pathetic Slug."
"Waste of time."
etc.

Everything was great before. She came online, she wanted to surprise me. She cursed, I couldn't take the hurt, I was enduring too much already. But hey, I deserved it. Willingly taking every single blow she had. "Bring it on, anything for you." was the only thing in my mind. I wanted her to know how much she meant to me.

I could never be angry with her. There would always be a soft spot for her. Always, just for her.

Then. The space issue.
Basically. I would honestly LOVE to be online and company her. But I really dont want her to see me all tired and moody after school, after whatever. I may be able to control it, but i will definitely not be able to maintain my mood swings with a 100% guarantee. All our fights, all unnecessary. All form online.

I'm not avoiding our problems. I'm tackling the issue from the root of the issue.
She too, (if you ever read this) , got to stop avoiding our trust issue.

Yes it sucks we may not be as fortunate as many others bout seeing one another every day, but I don't want to worsen the whole thing any longer with my mood and what not and our unnecessary fights.
And honestly, why would i not want to see you, I would die for you to be next to me every single day, always there for me to hug and kiss whenever I was stressed. Why wouldn't i want that? Its hard, but we are stronger than that, we can conquer it. And please, I'm not the people you've dated before.

I am loyal, will never lie to you and always love you. Ask anyone, even people who just got to know me would know that. How could your trust for me be so low?

But then. I dont blame her. Why? She felt I didnt want to see her, that I was pushing her away. Shes a girl who needs constant love, affection and reassurance. And seeing one another online made up for that messed up distance in between us and it built us up from our early days.
Honestly? It has brought about alot of AMAZING and AWESOME stuff for us but the harm its brought us is far worse. And i want us to last. I'll make time for you, always make sure you feel loved even when i'm not there. I'm sorry.

Everytime i agreed to be friends, she asked me why i wouldnt fight for something I want so strongly.
True.

.. Hung up. Doubts. Mistrust..

I couldnt sleep till 5. Packed all her stuff into my bag determined to find her later.
I wasn't going to give up. I wanted to fight for her. The girl of my dreams. One of a kind.


Day 7: The painful wait and lie.
(If whoever you are, is still reading till this part of my looooong, essay, i salute to you. Firstly, hello and secondly, this is when the real deal begins.) - I want to keep this short.

Finally slept at 5, woke up at 6. Went to school till 330.
Being the broke peasant I usually am. I took the MRT all the way to the other corner of Singapore just for her. Anything for her. Rushed to the toilet to change and ran into a taxi to make sure I would reach on time.

(in between? something serious happened to a best bud of mine but they understood i was rushing over to her school and wished me luck) - kept to her promise bout importance.

Sent her a text that I would be waiting for her no matter what. I was so tired and looking around all over for her. She read it but didn't reply. So told her if she wanted to torture me and leave me waiting, I didn't mind. Resting my head against the pillar, my heart was beating loudly against my chest. I was so nervous and excited to see her. I was dying to just hold her in my arms and tell her I love her. Tell her never to run away from me ever again.

An hour later, she replied that she wasn't in school cause of work related activities. I understood. I told her I would wait, no matter how long she took be it 9-10pm. I wanted to see her so badly.

Yet. I quote her.
"Sorry it was a wasted trip. Please don't come down anymore."
"I will not be going back to school."
"Mail them, please. I'm busy.. now. And I never wish to see you again. Thank You."

I was tired, weak, upset and angry.
I didn't mind coming all the way down here but honestly, don't keep telling me you wouldn't go back to find me or anything. She didn't need to tell me that I'm the one to blame for coming down and had no right to be angry.
I was upset cause you couldn't even show an ounce of gratitude but just pushed me away.

Replied that i was sick of being your fucking dog and sent my regards. Afterwards? You blocked me. again.

Went all the way to the NLB and broke down right infront of my buds who tried to cheer me up again.

Whats fucking worse? I came home, received a text from a friend from the same school. and guess what. She told me she saw me and when i told her my reason for being there, she told me she saw her, during that time period.

What does that mean? She lied to me and ran away from me. Leaving me there waiting for a whole hour before replying me.

All I could say was, how could you.

You accused me of treating you like "product in a business agreement", please. You are everything to me. Not a product. You are the world to me. Everything, to me. I love you, from the bottom of my heart, I loved you so damn much to be crazy enough to keep fighting no matter how low i stooped for you.

I felt so betrayed..


Day 8: My stupid heart. Humiliation. Anger.
 My stupid heart couldn't stop fighting. Despite the non-stop tears and hurt and fucking pain, I just couldn't stop fighting.

Majority of my friends called me stupid but I couldnt care, I was confident in winning you back cause I believed that this one year and a month together meant at least something to you.

Slot the letter I prepared yesterday into her wallet and held onto the more serious letter i wrote for her that day. School ended at 430, rushed out at 440, ran after a taxi across the road and the taxi driver was super awesome to have helped me reach the other bloody side of the country around 5.
Sent another text.

Even in the second letter, I wrote, " I made an agreement to myself this would be the last time I would be pestering you." 

(lets change the her to you cause i'm getting confused.. but honestly doubt she'll ever read this.)

I was feeling so ill. Everything was a blur, felt so naseuous but I told myself I wasn't gonna give up for you. You've fought for me before, you meant everything to me. I prayed but felt a heavy feeling in my heart. Hugging onto my bag and resting my head against the pillar next to me, I couldn't stop wandering if you got my text. I couldn't tell. You blocked me on whatsapp. I called, you rejected it.
I couldn't stop shivering.

Waited another hour. Someone asked if I was ruth.
I recognised the face. I will keep the insults to myself. But lets just say that she was bloody lucky i was in such a weak state when addressing her and my heart actually feeling something to make sure you wont face trouble, to not do a bloody thing. even right now... seriously.
Never will i EVER let someone humiliate me like that or a stranger treat me worse than a fucking dog. inhumane.

Let me quote what she said for whoever.
I was upset as she asked me to pass her, Her things. I gave it all one by one as she just watched me withdraw them from my bag, "Mhmm. Mhmm." was all she said.
"Is that all?"
I begged to see her, she told me you were having class and was hurt. Okay, I don't blame her or you.
I broke down right infront of her. Crying so badly among a whole crowd of strangers who all stared at me.
Why? I've been enduring so much, I was so weak, tired.
She just stared coldy and heartlessly at me. She couldn't care.
(Heyy, I understand, she was worried and standing firm for her friend she cared for. BUT HONESTLY. If i were in her position, to see a guy or girl cry right before me, in front of everyone, i would pat him or her on the back and offer to help them out to talk to my friend. and no, this isn't just me. anyone normal would do that.)

Lets just quote. (Not in chronological order)
> "Stop harrassing her."
> " She blocked your number for a reason. Doesn't that say something?"
> "I see two people hurting, you're wasting your time."
> "Dont try to pull my heart strings. I've loved someone for 4 years but I'm sorry I dont know how it feels like to be in a relationship." *smirks heartlessly*
> "You are to blame, you threw the earpiece at the computer and hurled vulgarities at her."
( LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. I will NEVER curse at someone I love. NEVER. I would NEVER hit or deliberately hurt someone I love. Never have i hit or cursed at her EVER. Even if shes done it, I will always love her cause I know she loved me.) - clarified that, she didn't care.

oh. and my favourite.
> "Truthfully, if i could? I would kill you right now."

Hah. These words, kept repeating throughout in my head. I am 100% sure they are quoted word for word.
I understand you are worried for  your friend but let me get this straight.. Dont you fucking dare treat me like a dog. Who the hell are you to accuse me and judge me when you don't even know me. You are so lucky..

Throughout the whole convo, I was crying like a stupid pathetic spec of dirt. How did it end?
"Uh.. Okay." and something along the lines of how you dont ever want to see me.
I stood there all alone, crying so badly. It took me a while before being able to move my feet to the other corner before making calls.

The night before, I begged my mum for money so I could take a taxi down to find you. All wasted, I was broke... so? followed whereever the wind took me and walked all the way back to the mrt.
All i wanted to do was get out of this place.

Endured. Cried to my sis. Went for a walk with deb who had to endure my wailing for more than half an hour.

I was so fucking upset. That this was the last time, going there all determined to talk to you, wait for you no matter what, to eventually talk to you properly. The last time, and you didn't even want to face me.

Didnt you call me a coward? I'm right here waiting for you while you keep avoiding the problem, running away. Even if you don't love me, seriously. Be brave for once and face the problem by talking it out instead of running away be it blocking or asking your friends to see me.

Returned home feeling so weak and dizzy. Im falling ill. Fevers every night because of you.
As promised, the last day.

At night? Talked to an ol pal of mine till 1 plus, 2 before sleeping. I broke down so badly all over again because of you.

I wanted you to see me in real life. In person. I wanted you to ruffle my hair, touch my face, feel my lips, know that i am in fact, real. That what we had/have, is real. This whole one year and a months, real. You are real and that i'm right here with you.
But no. You didn't show up. But yet, was publicly humiliated. Its okay.

Now. its the 11th July.
I can't bring myself to smile. I feel broken. Not wounded. But broken to the bone.
Broke down infront of pearl in school today.
And again to zahrah later in the day.

Enough is enough. I need to stop crying.

Here I am, loving you with all my heart. Fighting for you just as you've once wanted me to. Crying till I'm falling so damn ill, and yet what. You are happily moving on. I'm so weak and haven't passed a day without tears since that very night.

I agree I deserve it. I did mess up. But honestly, coming from someone who you thought loved you? I don't deserve such treatment from you.
I am stronger than that. I'm done crying.

You never loved me. Even if you did, its amazing how you could just given up on me and avoided me like that. Today, I saw all the things I wrote on the fullscape to disturb you in the library.
You wrote, "Baby, dont forget bout what we talked about. I love you."
My love never wavers. And I've been too nice cause of my soft spot for you.

My friends have all been watching me cry every single day, even they are feeling hurt for me. Upset for me, angry for me. You? You dont give a shit about me.

My hearts been broken enough. I've been crying every bloody day till i'm falling ill and feeling really dizzy recently even right now.

Every night I sleep with my eyes closed, afraid, shivering once again. I close my eyes hoping to hear the sound of your breaths to comfort me. But right now, I hear nothing. I can't even feel your heart anymore.

I may have brought this to myself. But honestly? Every single time you broke up with me, I would immediately forgive you, kiss you and tell you "I love you."
Bout this scenario, you've done it to me before. But even so. I shouldn't have done such a harsh, thing to you. still. No human being deserves to be treated this way.

I'm going to stop crying here. Enough.
I'm broken and want to heal my wounds.
You don't love me anymore.

Last thing.
My gifts to you.
1. Public Video - to show the world how I am not ashamed to be with you but yet to proud to be with you. That i'm not afraid bout telling every how I am with you. I am yours, and that Im fighting for your love cause you're literally, the girl worth fighting for.
2. Promises and vows - I am determined this time. To always make you happy. We planned the future together, our hamster yoda and everything. I may lack so much damn confidence, but i know for a fact if you would actually trust me and give it a chance, you would never, ever regret.
I'll be a man of my word.
3. Coming down. - I wanted to see you face to face. I wanted you to know how it feels like being held by me and look me straight in the eye when i tell you that I love you while you'll be able to see it being said from the bottom of my heart. I wanted you to know this one year and a month ISNT NOTHING. and ALOT more than just a mere, something.

PS. if you do, actually end up reading this. please note the things i returned.
1. A box with your keychains, unique "watch", first and second engagement rings
2. Your red wallet with one letter  (9th July in the zipper compartment)
3. A 3 sided letter (10th July)
4. Your encyclopedia 


Please make sure you got them all back. Thank you, I wouldn't want you losing something or whoever not passing it to intentionally. Worried your things might have gotten stolen or something..

But I'm not gonna be stuck in this pathetic state anymore. seriously. I'll move on just as easily as you've been.


Word of advice to anyone. When being in a relationship, yes your friends' opinions will mean TONS to you. But when you are fighting with someone you love, whatever you and he/she shares will never be properly understood by anyone else but both of you cause only YOU and that person shared the experience. don't be naive. Ever. Cause in the future, you are gonna regret.

Ruth, smile.

Want me to tell you another secret? Although i've been enduring all this shit from her.
All she needs is to call me, tell me shes sorry and that she loves me or even better, hold me in her arms and say, "baby, im so sorry, please don't cry, i love you."
And thats all it takes for me to forgive her. Can you believe how stupid I am?

7/09/2012 11:00:00 PM

No one has the fucking right to judge me as a person unless they know me in real life.

New lesson learnt.

7/09/2012 10:31:00 PM

I don’t blame you for making me wait. Im fucking angry cause of that hostile attitude you could just give me. I did not sleep at all the night before cause I was up thinking of you. I was fucking up cause I was excited to see you tomorrow, hurt and just unable to get you out of my fucking mind.

Honestly. And after getting at least an hour of sleep? School, all the way till late afternoon and immediately rushing down to your school. You saw my text, you didn’t reply. Why did I blow up?

While waiting, I didn’t mind. I would honestly do anything for you.
You told me never to see you and never to go back.

Do you know how much your words are literally cutting me, again and again.

SERIOUSLY. Why I would blow up? I’ve been crying like a fucking dog every single day while you’re moving on happily and quote you, as though its been a mistake to ever meet me.

Why the fuck am I so damn in love with you to not want to forget you no matter whoever tells me.

I’m stooping to such a low fucking level in hopes to win your heart back.
Why? Not cause I’m interested in a relationship but cause I miss you. I miss the you I fell in love with. The you who has been with me for 1 year and a month now. The one who promised to always be there to hold me and wipe away all my tears.

I made you cry? Go on, bring up that one incident. Fair enough, it is my fault.
You think you’ve never done that?
Everytime you said sorry, I would immediately forgive you. That soft spot within me. Always there for you.

How can you be so naïve.

I came home telling myself to try one last time. Just one final time. My friends all call me stupid. But I don’t care.

Honestly. I am going to take that video down. You fail to see my meaning for putting it up publically. You used to be so afraid that I would neglect you, be ashamed of you, be afraid of telling the world bout you and I. Now? I post it for the world to see, how perfect you and I can be. How I would love you till the end of time.

I’m staring at the things I wanted to pass to you today. Ruth, get a grip on yourself. I can’t bear to throw them away.. Why am I such a fucking whimp.

When I threw your mocking bird pin away, your voice of desperation replayed in my head when I was in the cab, the feeling of pride that I could help you out and actually accomplish it after so long.
So I dug it back out from the trash and washed it.

I am going to try one last time. After this, ruth, move on.
You know you will. Love someone who loves you.

Trusts you. Especially when after being together after one long year, trust you more than she would trust her friends.
Wasn’t that one of her own securities?

Guess what. Today? A bud of mine faced a horrible situation and things were going horrible, but I told them I was going to see you.
Prioritized you, and look what happened.
You running away from me.

Honestly, im no coward.

Last time.

7/07/2012 06:07:00 PM

I regret giving you my heart.
I regret ever giving you my commitment.
I regret ever doing whatever crazy things for you.
I regret telling you so much bout me.
I regret showing you so much bout me.
I regret being myself with you.

I regret so damn fucking much.

All those hurtful and harsh words you could bring yourself to say, just like that.
Didn’t stop fighting, you called me insane..

Yes I admit I am at fault, but let me tell you something. You know whats the difference? At least I try, and when I am being patient and upset, im genuinely hurt and upset. Not angry or filled with hatred..

Genuine tears, genuine smiles, genuine promises.
 Its amazing to know for the past few days while balling my fucking eyes out and sleepless nights of editing for perfection and thinking of solutions, you’ve been happily living your life.
Seriously, how much more heartless can you get.

 Honestly, is it so worth it to give something so damn strong and built over the years for something solvable and small?

Hah. I hardly hate anyone but your words of hatred and even worse, hearing it from someone else reading it to me? That’s just messed up.
 I am screwed, I am messed up. Yes ive wrong BIG time, but do you honestly think you’ve never wronged me? Why is it so that every time such happens, I am pouring every single emotion out to you. Never have you once bombared my phone with texts about emotion, love, nothing. And even if you have, when. Last year when we first met?

 Congrats your plan of torture is a success. You’ve brought me down to such a level no one has ever brought me to. Stooping lower than dirt.

 To the love of my life. Ive got your message, your words of hatred, torture. I am sorry for screwing us up this time. And I am sorry my fighting is not good enough.

Hate my attitude and mood swings? I understand.
Vows and all my promises not as “concrete” than the first time? I understand.
Deliberately do this and call me insane. Pestering. Changing. That I don’t.
And knowing how happily you’ve been with others. Hits that breaking point.

 I swear my heart will always be yours. Hate me.
Eventually I will move on.

 So while youre happily living your life.
 I’ll be here still picking myself up. Wish you all the best.

Thanks for teaching me so much. Be it good or painful.
Thanks for securing that insecurity within me from bad experiences.

May the emotional and physical scars be the only memory left within me, towards you.

Yours truly,
Nothing but dust.

Honestly? Let me tell you secret.
  I want to keep angry. I want to always retain this anger within me. Why? Cause I sense the "soft spot" within me, tugging on my heartstrings and telling me I will always love you and no one else will ever replace you. 
I'm hoping for you to call. But no. I musn't. 
I've tried. It failed. I tried again, it failed and got an emotional punch in the face, as though its by the bloodu hulk or some huge ass giant. 

I will move on. Knowing the hatred inside you towards me. I will. Just watch me. Slowly.. I am presently crawling down on all fours. 

With my knees scrapping against the hard rocky floor. My wounds may hurt now. But it will heal. All i need to do is get up so my wounds dont worsen before an infection steps in and thats when it gets worse.