paper today. practiced the 2008 and 2009 o level papers before the exam, got it all great, went in feeling quite excited, and practically came out feeling like dirt.
here are 2 vids, after getting high and before the breaks and after, a few seconds ago.
really really uncertain bout today especially after today. sigh, got to focus. the marks are gonna a while to fade.. tomorrow, a confirmed day for a run.
huge thanks to my friends and my juniors who came, love you guys
♥
10/27/2010 10:28:00 PM
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
day was really poofy.... pissy >:/ gonna grow wrinkles soon..
common sense? but never go in a major exam with a disturbed mind.. but yet, thanks for getting rid of the headache :)
feeling really bad walking the other way today. :/ missing my little rascals :/ wonder how they are doin
♥
10/26/2010 07:51:00 PM
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
soo. this is random experiment. taking a video after every single o level paper. and after the whole thing? rejoice and laugh my head off. heh. my minds going off. yeah its kinda "waste of time" but it only take 5minutes?
and soo.. overall outlook? really really uh. got to do our best though. we can do this..
if only you people knew the only reason why i'm holding back the urge to shout at you or punch you across the face, is because the os are going on...
dad walked in at a great timing and now both my parents think i have a flu, haha.
hug anyone? sigh.
♥
10/22/2010 09:19:00 PM
why do you have to break me now...
dear blog, i feel so drained out. i shouldn't be feeling like this. no, not now. its just 3 days before os. held back all my temptations to do something. to do that one action to vent everything. can't afford breaking anything, not now.
apart from being harshly stepped on. i feel so lost. talked to a friend today and it hit me really hard how all these 4 years have gone by so quickly. how much i miss everything. my class, red cross, people. and today? seemed like our official last day before our os. after that? things are going to be different and next year? a whole new environment with a whole new system. and after today? to that person? good bye. the last time and i missed it. the stupid idiotic me failed.
you want the truth? yes i cried. cried like hell when you guys left. cried so much i couldn't stand on my feet. sat on the track as the security guard started to make his way towards me. picked myself up and sprinted 1 and a half rounds when i saw him coming closer towards me. coincidentally you guys came back and just sprinted past you guys, trying not to show it. even the coach heard me sniff and noticed how i hid my face till he even looked at me from the tennis court when i walked past. honestly?i feel horrible. thankful for the darkness in the night.
why the fuck does it hurt so badly.
are you afraid? cause i'm afraid as well.
♥
10/19/2010 12:34:00 AM
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Am I crazy or am I just being stupid cause my hearts beating a little faster than it should be. Yes, stupid
need to sleep before I start thinking again, night..
♥
10/18/2010 11:20:00 PM
Monday, October 18, 2010
call it torturing myself. call it bringing upon unnecessary pain. but do you know something? if you know how it feels like, it wouldn't seem so. it would seem... different. an unspeakable feeling.
today was, honestly? really upsetting.
but yet, really huge thanks to huijun for the talk and mrs cheng for her really touching words in relations with the class
mrs cheng's words, though it may bout some class rep stuff but it really hit me hard, bout our class and how this is our last week. and after this week, its all going to be goodbyes. good bye to scgs. good bye to my really close friends, my red cross levelmates. good bye to my classmates. good bye teachers. good bye to.
shouldn't be thinking too much now. especially with this but o levels. wow, time sure does pass by huh.
1 week. lets do this.
my hopes are turning to fear. and the fears? and turning to pain. what am i supposed to do now.
♥
10/16/2010 11:34:00 AM
Saturday, October 16, 2010
last night i suffered. todays a new suffering.
i'm lost for words. can't breathe. can't think.
one more week. then weeks of os. then good bye.
♥
10/15/2010 09:28:00 PM
Friday, October 15, 2010
why am i feelng like this.
2 things, one quote. "Don't know what you're thinking To me it seems quite tough To hold a conversation When words are not enough."
sigh. have been running since last sunday night and the motivation to run all came along from zahrah poking my face and celine with her somewhat interesting comments. heh heh but yup, really wished i started running earlier though but for now, its a really good stress reliever :)
waking up tomorrow for an early jog and off to work all over again :)
will upload a random "poem" pic soon.
peace
♥
10/15/2010 12:56:00 AM
smiling because you too, are smiling.
os in 2 weeks!!! no, LESS THAN 2 WEEKS. really dreading it not cause of studies or what not but, don't really want to leave the school :/ heh. but yet, os. can't believe how fast time flies and how fast its gonna come and gonna end. mmm. lets all hang in there and do our best yeah peeps :)
the sleep is seriously helping me improve on my mood, which is good right? :) but when it comes to anger or annoyance to some specific situations or what not, really sorry but that i still hold no control of.
peace.
why am i missing you so much.. haven't i let go of such a huge portion? if so, why does it still hurt so badly? nah. today onwards, heck whatever pain.. what i believe? just do what you want to do, feel what you want to feel. cause if you keep looking upon it as a burden, its not what you think it is anymore.
peace.
:)
♥
10/11/2010 10:19:00 PM
Monday, October 11, 2010
im doin my best to be a happier person and theres one thing i can conclude..
either my wayyy earlier hours of sleep is seriously helping. or im seriously damn high right now.
AHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!! LOVE YOU SCGS!!!!
LOVE YOU BEST BUD! LOVE YOU CLAN! LOVE YOU FAMILY (BOTH REAL AND FWENS) !LOVE YOU FRIENDS! LOVE YOU RED CROSS! LOVE YOU LEVEL MATES! LOVE YOU SCGS PEEPS! LOVE YOU TEACHERS WHO HELPED US GET THROUGH THIS! LOVE SO MANY THINGS... LOVE YOU LIZARD STARING BACK AT ME ON THE WINDOW!!!
eh. wait.. i take my words back bout the lizard...
O.O
i think im high.
♥
10/08/2010 03:36:00 AM
Friday, October 8, 2010
just finished making 2 videos for ze class later, now on to publishing...
then perhaps a nice cozy sleep :/
♥
10/06/2010 11:55:00 PM
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
can't believe its thursday tomorrow..
downloading happy songs. please be my remedy..
planning to be an idiot again, really hope i accomplish alot tonight, wish me luck
peace
just wish you could just see things from my point of view for just a few seconds..
♥
10/04/2010 09:50:00 PM
Monday, October 4, 2010
feeling so vulnerable.
so drained out.. hate the after feeling of crying. feels so awkward.
last week. then good bye...
came home and tuition teacher kept staring at me and asking if i was alright, taking note of how my eyes looked really small and puffy and for the first time, went through the lesson really slowly as he kept telling me to chillax. heh, theres not much time left and minds starting to malfunction. great...
if only you could see the amount of pain in my eyes. do you know how hard i am refraining myself from looking and thinking? how much im holding myself back and pushing you out of my thoughts? how hard im pretending not to care and carry on as that one role, being a pawn among the many other pieces of the chess board as you alone, stand victorious as either the king or the queen? but you know what? im not saying i feel pain nor am i saying that im suffering. cause, came to an understanding months ago, if you do, then do. if you don't then don't. and all that matters to me? is that you're in my life and still smiling, something i feel honoured and grateful about. but yet, goodbyes? thats going to be a different story.
can't stand getting shouted at for no apparent reason..
♥
10/04/2010 03:02:00 AM
why am i thinking so much tonight.. the song is reminding me of how i used to stay up late in the nights just for you.
seriously know i should sleep but intending to finish the math papers and something else. feel really bad cause going to sacrifice my amath and a few more stuff. im so so sorry.
yesterday was really draining..
hates to the core, the fact how every beautiful dream of you always turns out to be a nightmare..
♥
10/03/2010 06:39:00 PM
Sunday, October 3, 2010
shit. eyes swollen and dinner with parents soon..
♥
10/03/2010 03:44:00 PM
dear blog.
i made a schedule last night starting at 10am incase i over slept today.
had 2 nightmares last night.
it was about some spirit thing and woke up at 1-2 plus am and was breathing so heavily. felt really afraid as i was alone so took my stuff and went back to the bedroom to sleep. had another dream and woke up at 4.50am hearing super loud thunder and lightning and was still alone in my study room. decided to wait a few more minutes before the alarm was turned off and would be able to join coco who is usually really scared of thunder and lightning. ended up sleeping again and woke up, took a bath and went to macs with my sis for bfast.
came back, felt really tired, had a headache and decided to take a nap. ended up? all of them but one turned out to be nightmares again. first one was about some spirit thing. second was about a really inspirational Indian stranger (not racist.) who told me something which would solve all my problems right now but i seriously can't remember what he said but just recall his really bright smile. third was about some karaoke thing, that person could sing so well.. and as usual from a dream to a nightmare when i started seeing icons appear... and fourth, another ghostly, game like nightmare...
just took 2 strong panadols and it isn't working at all.. feeling even more tired than before and alot of work to finish..
so messed up..
and just got an sms. read it and broke. argh. please don't, not now..
♥
10/02/2010 10:03:00 PM
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I guess it's true. And people are right. Looking carefully and reflecting now, I did change. And it's not for the better but the worst.
In what way?
My mood. My tolerance level has dropped drastically and i've become a much angrier person, someone who is easily provoked. I guess all my life I've always been saying sorry, giving in to every single person. But no, I may still give in now but things are starting to be different.
whenever someone does something, anything which annoys anyone, in the past, will just laugh it off but now its different. guess i just tend to show it all alot more. Be it upset or just the amount of annoyance felt. and only 2 good friends i hardly see nowadays told me so.
so yeah, I did change. but why i changed? i have my reasons.
I hurt my hand last week, at the wrist. It's a little swollen and it hurts a little when I move it but really hurts when someone presses or squeezes onto it. It should cure soon. just told my mum i fell down and she gave me a weird look. huge thanks for rubbing muscle ache cream though :) If I told you the reason I got it was cause I fell down, would you believe me.
Sitting in an empty room trying to forget the past. I know it would never last but I just wished it wasn't so. Just something I really wish I could say into your face. You are a freaking bitch who rocks so much at acting. Sometimes I swear I don't know what people see in you. I once saw so much but now I realise it was all just an act. And nothing meant anything to you. Screw it cause right now I'm just speechless and lost for words for the amount anger I feel towards you for all the betrayal and things you done to others. seriously can't believe i once stood up for you. what irony.
♥
10/01/2010 12:49:00 AM
Friday, October 1, 2010
today was. uhm.
huge thanks to ashley, feeling soooo much better after laughing so much.
going to upload the note another time hm? step back on these thoughts for a while.
really over due but, happy birthday little bro (28th sept) :) really love you tons but thenn, you gotta start studying for psle little bro, starting to make me worry :/ man how much we've changed huh...
miss the past.. (in order with consideration of time)
man, my little bro is soo old now :) awww *sniff* then it comes to a point when i question... why the hell did he lose so much weight when he eats soo much more than me :/ heh heh
happy birthday broo :D
♥
Disclaimer
Welcome to my blog of rants inspired through the scribbles of one's mind.
poem inspired by agatha, alex, celine
i starred at the fan on the celing,
lifting my watch to my eyes.
it was 12 am in the morning.
i looked out of the window
as i admired the clear night sky.
leaving my bed as i started to walk towards the table,
reaching out for that knife which laid there alone.
crying and crying,
as each crystal clear tear fell to the floor one by one.
feeling the fresh, cold blood rush out of my skin.
having its pain numbed by these falling tears.
and therefore. that was when the phrase,
"BLOODSHED TEARS" was formed :D
Name: Ruth Lee
A lost, confused soul wandering around this world with only a stick in one hand and a shield in the other. Birthdate: 21st Feb 1994
SCGS!!!
1PR 07. 2PR 08. 3CO 09. 4CO 10
Red Cross!!!
Fellow member of the CLAN (established in 2010)
Fellow Head of the L.U (established in 2010)
Fellow cactus cadet of E.C.C(established in 2008)
[Evil Cactus Clan]
Overall?
An unusual fwen who is in love with music and is contented with the simple pleasures :)
Pretty much just a lost confused soul wandering around this world with only a stick in one hand and a shield in the other.
But but! If you meet me one day, come up to mua and whack me on the back and you'll get a poke in return :D
but if you whack me when im holding something, expect a whack filled with torns >:)
But honestly?
Hmmm. Lets just say there's more than meets the eye
*grins*
A list of hopes:
chance to go star gazing
chance to enjoy the sunset at the sea side
chance to meet (people) in the future
chance to play lunia with me lunia buddy, wenqian
for both hands to clap instead of one
lots of stuff my dear friend, lots of stuff :) something i know one cannot achieve
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