Welcome to my blog of bloodshed tears..

11/30/2010 05:17:00 PM

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

seriously best thing to do to me now is piss the fuck out of me. how smart and caring.

be nice and just get spat in the face by your own flesh and blood.... misunderstood with a whole load of shit. shouldnt you know my well enough to know how i would react? maybe this is why we dont talk so much..

what a great way to add salt to the wound.

hey.. its not my fault you cant talk to other people nor is it my fault that i was listening to the guide talking and not sleeping. seriously?

oh reason i didnt sleep cause of whatever you said. seriously? just dont touch me, dont fucking touch me....

i swear. this trip? was supposed to be one which was relaxing? honestly? not saying im being ungrateful or whatever.. im grateful for the opportunity to travel here. but right now, yeah pushed all my thoughts whatever away.. but so far? all its giving is just more annoyance. what would really help is just being alone and lying down on the bed. or floor.

wow. helped you when you werent feeling well, when no one bothered and you call me useless when im asleep? .....

stop asking me what happened to me or whatever. seriously. just leave me alone..
can't feel pissed now... 3 days more...

can't wait to go home and just do whatever i need to do to move on in life..

call me ungrateful but everyone feels.

♥

11/29/2010 11:49:00 PM

Monday, November 29, 2010

perhaps last note:

bleagh. using my sis's laptop in the dark hotel room and shes asking me to switch it off so night peeps :)

♥

11/29/2010 08:39:00 PM

27nov. 11.32am / 12.32pm
Dear blogaee, at Disney land now and waiting for siblings who are daring-ly linin up for their turn on the space mountain o.O heh shall cowardly sit at one corner while listening to the beautiful handbells playing :) ahhh which reminds me of something, hmm. Sc came here before yeah? Coool :) Bah. Worst way to start off in a holiday is getting food poisoning :/ man.

Itouch feels so cold and left singapore with full bat but now it's tell me the little guy has less than 20percent left :( bah... Spent the whole plane ride listening to kara's second revolution album thrice, suju's bonamana album and 3oh3's album twice :) heh heh, not bad eh?
Nice songs found on plane: unknown songs which I didn't know was in the Revolution album o.O I can do anything, I'm not the one, I can say, double vision by 3oh3 :D

8.15pm / 9.15pm
Just finished packing the stuff and prepared everything in the room for my sis and I :) wheee the room is so neat now :D bah. The place has no wifi and sis is doin research on her laptop :/ well, she promised to lend it to me later :D heh heh! But won't be able to post this till I find wifi I guess :( gonna go read me book and admire the stich hat my bro decided to give me in Tokyo Disney land after being tempted to buy the alien one.. Bleagh but it's cute :) heh! Mmmm nightos!

Keep seeing you everywhere..
As the wind blows I stop and think. Questioning how you took care of yourself while that picture appears in my mind. And when that moment comes, my shivering stops as everything starts to turn warm. Armed with a mindset full of preparedness to give you my all for protection and security.

28 nov 12.24pm / 1.24pm
Mmm second day. We will be sleeping on the floor tonight! Heh heh :D pretty excited :) okayy jie is reading what I'm typing. Hmmm.

8.52pm / 9.52pm Alrights. Sis is in the toilet now and the room is pretty much the traditional jap style which is coool :) well. Bro lost his green alien hat and has stolen my stich one :( argh. >:/ mmmm plus we are goin to universal studios on one of the days and hope the rides don't end up to be the same as the ones we took in America cause the rides we took yesterday were exactly alike o.o but but but!!! The hats are different! :) shouldn't have hesitated to buy the tiger hat yesterday soo shalnt hesitate when I see a nice one tmr! And if there's a batman one, shall wear it with me batman shirt in Singapore! Heh!

Found out that there will be no wifi throughout the trip sooo. Guess I'll only post this after I return which seems like a long way to go.. Miss Singapore :/ heh. Plus not being ungrateful but! Feel like cutting the freaking turtle necks... So strangle-y >:( Gonna see if I can pay for the LAN down stairs with the budget given by parents :/ paying for my sis's one too sooo, just hope parents allow us to I guess.

Gonna pack the stuff now and type more later, peace to self? O.O

10.25pm / 11.25pm

Alrighty. We didn't go down but heard tmr we should have lan for my sis's laptop and wifi(might). Bahhh eating so much and just finished a packet of cheese crackers cause we didn't know where to keep it. Stomach bloated and didn't bring pills... Bleagh. shall continue doing some streches I guess :/ Night.

I'm not perfect but I'll keep trying, cause that's what I said I'll do from the start.
-perfect by hedley

11.03pm / 12.03am
Not asleep yet but something interesting just happened. Rooms getting stuffy though. Quote sis, just screamed like a bitch. O.O

29 nov 7.58pm / 8.58pm

Okayyy. Free wifi in the lobby!!!! Shall camp here for a while before parents find me and drag me back upstairs. Won't have any wifi at all sooo poof. Gonna check out facebook and twitter :) and not addicted to the Internet! Just waiting for something. And keeping updated bout some stuff I guess. The tour is awesome but kinda heh, draggy. Feel bad :/ never felt this way before but really can't wait to go back to Singapore and just be a blob. There's a mirror right next to my bed. O.O gonna have to cover it, heh. Kinda paranoid eh? Peace.

You appeared in my dreams again.

8.42pm
take my words back. its damn lag. and no more wifi after this ): poofy.

♥

11/25/2010 11:31:00 PM

Thursday, November 25, 2010

It's amazing how fast time goes by, and how long it takes you to realize that you're losing someone that you thought would stand beside you forever.

-julibabby

♥

11/22/2010 11:29:00 PM

Monday, November 22, 2010

what im doing is not stupid. its a fact. hard cold facts. is that not enough for you to understand and absorb?

hah.

♥

11/21/2010 11:35:00 PM

Sunday, November 21, 2010

confused. but trust the heart..
right?

trust.

♥

11/21/2010 10:52:00 PM

please tell me shes wrong and those aren't your intentions.
cause it only takes a few words to change my whole view bout whats going on.
especially when things are going the way they are right now.

guess you hoped but just got the wrong people asking huh.

prom... didn't exactly go in a dress for fun and emcee-in and it was pretty fun.

the emcee-ing was a good experience despite messing up at parts but alex was an awesome partner so really, really thankful for the chance in working with her again :)

then it came down to the farewells.. red cross and class pic(not really complete cause some peeps had to leave early)

can't believe prom is actually over. prom 2010 is seriously over. wow. it seems like it was only yesterday when we were all watching our seniors attend their prom night with beautiful dresses and make up but last night, it was our turn.

people. we've all made promises to keep in contact and its not impossible. yeah it may be different but at the end of the day, it takes two hands to clap and guess what? im confident a majority of us will and perhaps, all of us :)

honestly? prom was awesome but a little draining in thoughts of goodbye. especially to some peeps, if you knew why, you would understand why too, sigh. hmm, we stayed over night at the hotel, went for supper at newton circus till 1 plus then went on to orchad even till the extent of going to scape, seeing mr young, one of the djs of 98.7, who gave us a shout out live :) thenn we went back around 2plus 3? mmm. the room was freezinnn :/

next morning, was awaken from someone jumping on my head :/ we went for bfast, went home then out to meet a few peeps which really went awesome and really helped in taking stuff out of the mind :) headed home, went for family dinner :)

edited a picture for a new phone background which i seriously love right now :) then went to bed.

woke up, recalled the dream i had. a happy yet painfully stupid dream. should be grateful huh... argh bleagh...

bro asked my parents and sis, "why jie jie ruth so angry today"
heh. ruffled his hair and told him having a bad day.

todays been really emotionally draining. but but but, have being watching personal taste as reco-ed by a cousin and got to admit, its not bad :)

sigh. really missing me buds who are all overseas right now :/
ahhhh, you guys!!!!!! come back sooooooon D:

♥

11/21/2010 10:52:00 AM

it was all a dream. it was all a fucking dream......
my mind just loves to play tricks with my emotions huh..

its all already messed up and don't need it to be tempered with. thank you.

will continue another time.

peace.

♥

11/18/2010 10:41:00 PM

Thursday, November 18, 2010

today was graduation. tomorrows prom. what am i to say. mixed feelings i guess.

♥

11/17/2010 06:37:00 AM

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

too late to apologise.

dear blog, os is actually over and grad rehearsal is over as well. next stop, graduation and then prom then bye..

have been suffering from insomnia. havent been able to sleep till 3 plus in the morning for the past few days and last night, finally managed to sleep at 1plus, ended up waking up at 5. arghh.. my system is going to crash and this is supposed to be the most hyper moment :/ feeling damn weak... its seriously drained the energy out of me..
wanna kill someone >:/

oh oh and trust me on one thing, not so fun having a zombie go out with you :/ or being the zombie >:/

class partae tonight, pretty excited :) gonna bring panadols along

♥

11/15/2010 11:27:00 AM

Monday, November 15, 2010

mark my words. i'll repay you for the damage i've done.

last night. wasn't feeling well. suffered from headaches and dizziness so slept at 8 plus. woke up around 10.50 after having a nightmare. it started off normal till it was pure darkness and it was as though it was during june camp. there was this laughter and figures hanging down from everywhere.. toss and turned till 12 plus, heard my sister going to the toilet and decided to follow her to the bedroom. 1 plus, bro started sleep talking and even came onto my bed, had to push him back and tuck him in. then decided to read a few blogs. finally realised what a heartless, idiotic person i am. stopped and listened to music to sleep, having to replay the play list a few times before sleeping. and whats worst is that every time i closed my eyes, just flashed back how things used to be and that day we sat there as i made my promise to you. at the end, couldn't sleep till 3 plus..

leaving the house soon. hope bio goes well and this bloody headache goes away..

♥

11/13/2010 11:58:00 PM

Saturday, November 13, 2010

just hurt me. just cut me deep into my veins.
till i bleed to death.
honestly i really dont care anymore.

3 things, one night.
i can't breathe.

its all a cycle.
the past few nights i couldn't sleep. and every morning im getting up late, lying on my bed till the afternoon while listening to music. getting screamed at every morning to get up. have difficulty to stand up and stumble while grabbing onto the nearest thing i see due to my blur world. brush my teeth, take a bath, sit down on the chair and stare at the wall, listening to music.

its as though im lost.
im dead.

its bleeding.
need to stop crying.

♥

11/12/2010 08:17:00 PM

Friday, November 12, 2010

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell"

sometimes there are just things we can't forget. things we will never let go of.

im feeling so stupid. cause every night? that feeling of vulnerability seeps in. and everytime it does? its just hurts me bout how soon it is going to be filled with all these words of, goodbye.

there are so many things, so many regrets ive yet to clear. but i've started working on them and thats one thing i can be happy bout but. there are so many people, things that i will never get to see or hold ever again. the bonds, everything will be different. don't tell me the people i will bidding farewell to will always appear once again and don't tell me if it was meant to be, that person will reappear, cause? i fail to believe in that right now.

i know there will be some people i will really be seeing for the last time. and if you knew why, then you would understand too.
and there are others who i'll will be sure to be keeping in contact with and some who i know will never lose contact with despite the distance. scgs really impacted me alot and not just that. the people, my really really closest friends and my best friend, shaped me to who i am today. and especially during those darkest periods of time during my time in sc? i would have never been able to survive through them if not for you guys.

i love red cross. i love my level mates. i love my little rascals. i love my class. i love the clan. i love my teachers. i love the unspeakable.

i sound so cheesy right now, but. its beginning to hit me hard that it is soon going to be the day, we all bid farewell.

and to another situation. i don't care how much it hurts or how much im torturing myself cause i chose this path and i really don't bother bout what others think so, please take care person who does not know me.

♥

11/10/2010 10:57:00 PM

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

can't believe that it was around this time.
this date last year i was crying my eyes out to fight for what i achieved at the end of the day.

and thinking back.
around this time was also that day.
that day i prayed and made my wish,
for you.
my wish was granted,
but.
everything has its consequences.
today? its all scarred.

♥

11/10/2010 07:41:00 PM

these people gave me the courage to be the weird freak i am today :)
I LOVE YOU GUYS TO THE MAXIMUM :D

sigh.. really miss everyone and today went by too quickly. :/

♥

11/09/2010 09:17:00 PM

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

you take my breath away.

losing all my games for warcraft >:/
bahh... on to custom games then, TREE TAG! :D

really excited for red cross lunch tomorrow! maybe shall take a jog before going :D

really don't want to see another substitute cause it will just kill more with more lies...

♥

11/06/2010 11:25:00 PM

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Deleted..

Not going to use vulgarities now.

♥

11/05/2010 02:33:00 AM

Friday, November 5, 2010

My biggest mistake wasn't falling for you. It was thinking you'd fallen for me too.
credits: julibabbby

you've never been nice, but somehow. my anger melts away just like the snow.

There are times when I close my eyes
and picture you looking back at me.
Giving me a look of amusement
as I stare back straight into your eyes.
Your eyes,
filled with so many thoughts and unpredictable emotions.
There was nothing I could read from you.

Visions haunt me as I see you and I,
standing right in front of one another as I’m looking down.
And when finally having the courage to look back up?
I open my mouth and say those stupid words,
watching you just nod your head as you closed your eyes.

Something feels empty and hallucinations appear.
What am I to do.
People call me stupid, ignorant.
But they don’t know how it feels,
that one feeling and that one pain.
Cause no ones like you,
and no one can ever be.

I thought I’ve forgotten.
I thought I was making progress and slowly letting go.
But no,
not at all.
It suddenly hits me and comes back to haunt me a few nights ago.
What am I supposed to do?
Yeah. Forget.
Do you seriously think its so simple?
Cause even though my mind has told me I’ve already let you go,
Why is it so that my heart hurts so much when I see you walk away?

No matter how much I plead, how much I shout for you to come back.
How much I shout for you not to go.
You will always turn your back to me,
leaving without a single word of acknowledgement
as I just stand there helplessly,
watching you walk further and further away.

Now I stare at my trembling hands,
hands that would never hold yours.
These hands had suffered bruises.
Clutching it tighter as it never stops trembling.

I know this is not what people call it.
Its not that emotion.
But for now?
You smiling?
Is enough.
Cause the thought and the understanding of the other person being happy,
is enough.
Cause?
At the end of the day,
I know you will be holding the hand of another.
And maybe,
one day when I see you walking along the streets,
hand in hand with a stranger,
smiling and laughing like how we all picture it to be?
Then me too, will smile for you.
Admit ir will feel a little sore at first, but.
Your happiness brings happiness for me too.
And that’s all it takes, just a smile.

♥

11/04/2010 12:09:00 AM

Thursday, November 4, 2010

bio paper today :D mmm

think i should quit with the video blogs O.O feeling more dead and dead after each passing day and especially coming back from the papers :/ man, for those who had the patience to watch my boring videos, thanks :) heh heh!

think my minds starting to play tricks on me. vision turned blur yesterday in the afternoon and spent the whole day with my specs on. but no matter the outcome, my vision somehow shows me that you are somewhere, just somewhere nearby.

♥

11/03/2010 09:59:00 AM

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

playing tricks with my mind just before the paper. its not good but it haunted me last night.

going back to the books in 5 minutes.

♥

11/02/2010 09:23:00 PM

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Can't help but think of you whom I picture as sitting alone in this cold night, thinking of everything else but with not the slightest bit of me in your thoughts.

Peace.

♥

11/02/2010 12:05:00 PM

should i be crying or rejoicing..

video taken last saturday night

alrightos time really is passing at a blink of an eye and lit and geog papers are poof, no more. sigh, gonna miss my tutors. and tmr is bio soo lets do our best.

♥