12/25/2010 11:25:00 PM
Saturday, December 25, 2010
not going to break tonight..
HAHAH. yeah. to come to think of it all now, i was a really nonsensical, heartless, disillusioned, ignorant bitch.
am honestly? i still am. especially with the word, disillusioned. and why, you ask? cause i think things that have changed, still can be "reclaimed". to be played back again. for time to rewind. and more stupidly, to be the way things were.
and a better term to describe me? a pathetic fool.
every day i close my eyes, i just see things. see the past. its like, a nightmare but still awake. only last night it wasn't as bad especially after talking to my buds and hugging a toy to sleep.
every day im telling myself, "just let go" and like what my friends always tell me, "things change"
thats all that plays in my mind at night and sometimes in the day.
simple! 5 words. "just let go" and "things change"
and everytime it does, im just whispering to myself that i can't. the stupid idiotic me just can't.
and perhaps thats why im growing weaker. more tired and having mood swings at night. to those who experienced it, im sorry. and perhaps the reason why i can't throw away so many of my stuff. my papers for sec4. the pieces of papers written with promises and the "inspirational" quotes to push me to study harder after the thing that happened at the end of last year bout my studies. yeah, to those who know, congrats i guess. cause, it feels like throwing it away and finally letting go, leaving it all behind. nothing stays the same.
and to whoever reads this. i know what you may think. think why not just let go and move on. move on and carry on with life and look forward to the the future. the future which holds so much for us that we are unaware of yet.
let me tell you something. its hard. its hard when there are so many regrets filled inside which you blame yourself for and another thing? when someone's face keeps appearing in your mind when you look at something related to that person or hear that person's name.
apologise to those people whom ive been telling to smile, cheer up and say things which i really hope will make them feel better. cause in reality. im actually going against all the words i said. being a hypocrite.
tomorrow onwards im going to try my best to make progress. just give me one more day.
feeling so drained out right now. tired..
please. im on my knees begging you. just let me have a good nights sleep tonight. let me feel pain or whatever tmr but please, just let me sleep tonight.
♥
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