12/17/2010 12:45:00 AM
Friday, December 17, 2010
can't even finish sing the bloody song without shedding a tear.
self control is what i truly need.
wrote this all out last night with illegible handwriting. heh. somehow able to write out my thoughts instead of typing it nowadays, cool.
"you know what is stupid? the fact how pictures you find on tumblr tell you not to give up, not to let go of things you know you can fight for, and its painful waiting but yet at the end of the day, its ALWAYS worth it. go to the next few posts and there you see other pictures telling you, oh, sometimes we just have to let go. "let go", hah. people who make these pictures and tumblr? honestly, really look up up to them, in how they express their feelings and what not. its really something worth respecting which is also later reflected in the number of followers they have hm? but guess thats the only thing that puzzles me but yet at the end? its all reality. which makes the situation aloof. cause sometimes we just take and make these choices which may end off with a totally different ending despite choosing the opposite choice.
really dont want to spend constant nights crying.
really dont want to spend every night upset.
but yet we do have a choice right?
like anyone would say, "if you dont want to, then dont't?!"
but then, have they felt this pain?
do you truly know how it feels?
do they really understand?
i love my buds giving me great advice on this
and im grateful for them offering to listen.
its not that im not willing to do such but,
do you honestly think sleeping at 5 every night is fun?
something worth being proud of?
no, its not.
every night im forcing myself to sleep
and when it doesn't work?
i read or play my guitar.
getting scolded by my parents when asked what time i slept,
scolded for being lethargic in the afternoon,
waking up late in the afternoons,
not understanding why i can't sleep.
do you know why im in this stage insomnia once again?
few weeks ago before the end of nov,
went to the docs for medication, to force me to sleep and out of insomnia.
you know whats more upsetting?
is that those two people who have brought me here under my own guilt does not know.
and yes,
with regards to my own fault,
one of them now doesn't know my 5 o'clock "routine" is due to that.
the other was long forgotten till i admit, spotted a few days ago.
every night i close my eyes and see things replay.
scenes that i love and hate.
never knowing whats on your mind.
you told me you would always be there for me, but then where are you when i'm crying so badly bout the same situation. haven't we gone through so much already?
and to the other?
you've hurt me so many times with that heartless smile on your face, but yet? im still standing, staring clueless back at you with nothing but holes within me
to add salt to the wound, really miss school and red cross. imagine, walking into class, chatting and disturbing other people as everyone wears a smile on their face. after school, off to clan lunch with the clannies as we spazz over the people we see and korean updates :) then thursdays? red cross, whacking and disturbing my levelmates as well, just being yourself as you forget bout all the troubles in your mind, carrying on and watching the cadets who will all one day take over us.
in school a majority of peeps wear a smile on their face, giving them motivation to carry on cause in school? its like a second home"
♥
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