9/29/2010 09:17:00 PM

hello there angel from my nightmare.

notes of the mind...



8.30am (29/9/10)

9/27/2010 04:51:00 AM

hates change. sigh

every time i close my eyes,
all i see is you falling down and others supporting you.
calling two friends,
we ran over to help.
we walked slowly behind you as two others supported you.
i asked you to trust us and you looked straight into my eyes and said you trusted us.
suddenly everything felt different when you touched my head.
i looked back up and you werent the person i saw a few seconds ago,
but yet another i knew.
how could this be..
that was when i knew it was all a dream.
i closed my eyes once more and the next thing i knew was staring at the white ceiling above me.

cant believe it. thought you changed but i guess you still are the fake liar youve always been.

9/24/2010 11:35:00 PM

but yet at the end, study camp was really really awesome with aga, ning, pearl, erin and zahrah :) far way awesome.



the hard cold truth is harsh enough. really don't need any more salt to be added onto my wound.

9/23/2010 11:13:00 PM

love my parents. feeling so much better after hugging my dad and my mum and my sis who gave me a pillow to hug.

sigh. my mum just triggered it again and offered to make me something to cheer me up, really happy i got out in time. it was just that moment she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me..

argh... think full lit and math....

apologises to mrs song, didnt manage to keep my promise to sleep early today :/

9/23/2010 08:32:00 PM

i hate it when people ask me if im alright if im not.. cause if you look me in the eye and ask the right words at the right time, thats the key to unlock that part of me ive been locking up recently.

no one. no one at all could or can read me but only one person. and thats my best friend. all my life, ive never been able to find someone who could just unlock that part but her. sigh. i really miss the past. and the presents bout to end.

a message to my best friend.
im not sure if you are going to read this but. i'm really sorry. im really sorry for all the things i've done and not putting in enough effort for maintaining that strong bond. looking back, ive done many things. many things which i can never undo, for that? i'm really sorry. the time left in sc is about to end and since last year, we've grown really distant. today? we hardly see each other and all i can say when i walk by is just one simple word of "hi" or "hello" and a word of farewell "bye", accompanied along with just a bright smile, but yet. nothing else and nothing compared to all the hardships and crazy times we've gone through since we met in sec1. do you remember that promise i made with you to stay close till we left sc? i failed at it. and for that, im really really sorry. honestly? i really miss those times and i really miss you too. i've never dared to say it but now im saying it openly for all eyes to see. but no matter the rain or shine, and no matter what others may say or ask? i will forever say one thing for sure. you are my best friend and i have no doubts about it at all.

my 5 to 10 minute walk home became a 30mins walk. every slow step i took, took 5 to 10 seconds as i tried to balance the weight on my back with one foot.

there is one reason why i love and hate the night. firstly, i love the night sky, especially in the school courtyard. look up and all you'll be able to see are the stars shining brightly back at you. but yet. at night? its when your mind breaks free and the time when you truly start thinking with nothing but homework left to occupy your mind.. tend to drink alot of juice, soft drinks or any type of drinkable thing to just bury everything back within me. seriously hate it.

those words echoed into my mind as i took the next step.
slowly dragging my shoe against the hard concrete floor as i recall my friend's eyes staring straight at me.
I turned my head as i stared at the shadow walking along by my side.
"ruth...."
there she said it, those words after my name.
it just broke me.
it broke that shield ive been holding on to,
that shield that i've been using to force my way through all this while.
I clenched my fist as i took the next step,
counting each step i took till that one bridge.
I couldnt take it more.
tears accumulated as it blurred my vision.
"no. not now, please not now."
i wiped the tears away with the sleeve of my jacket.
whacking my shoe against each step.
the seconds passed slowly as i shut my eyes,
trying to keep my balance as the weight on my back pulled me down,
almost falling many times on my way home.
I reached out for my ipod as i turned the sensor,
leading the music to blast into my ears
as i forced my head back up.
I couldn't take it.
This time?
It was as though my tears forced themselves out,
against the walls of my closed my lids.
I opened my eyes once more,
only having a blurred world greeting me under the dim light.
I took a few more steps as i wiped my tears once more.
The last step.
I let out a sigh as i continued walking on.
"Walk faster.."
My feet continued to drag each step.
The chorus started to play.
The world i once saw clearly turned blur again.
But this time,
no matter how many times i made it clear,
it always returned blur.
I placed my hands on mouth as two strangers walked by me.
Covering my lips which started to quiver as my hands started to shake.
I took a huge sniff.
"What a weakling."
I turned my head and took my last look at the school.
The place of my happiness, burdens and regrets.
I walked on covering my mouth with my hands.
Looking up at the sky covered with beautiful stars.
I stood at the gate and wiped my remaining tears,
making sure there was not the slightest hint of tears.
I closed my eyes and let out my last sigh.
Opened them and forced a smile.
Turning and seeing my shadow, my only companion then.
opening the gates as my dogs were the only ones i could hug,
smiling at them as they look back straight in my eyes,
as though being able to read what was on my mind as i walked away,
smiling at everyone i saw but didnt give any form of eye contact.
walking up the stairs and back to the distractions to clear my mind once more.

smiling like a foolish clown.

9/22/2010 09:00:00 PM

The tears fall down slowly as they drown my mind, helping to blur my visions of your smile as i clench my fists and force a small all over again.

knew this was coming. sigh..

got to snap out of numb mode.. better take a bath and start on hw.

2 weeks. no 1 and 2 days. great..

peace.

9/21/2010 10:58:00 PM

when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while.

got this from thea's magazine and can't help but think bout it.

"if you've been avoiding facing a serious topic, now's the time for it to come to light. Your stellar intuition and sensitivity of the emotional makeup of other individuals however, will help you pull through."

for the first time? i agree with the horoscope and condientally, i have let something come to light but only to a certain limit.

honestly? i really love my friends to the max especially for those who helped me pull through :) really thanks guys, from the deepest, bottom of my heart, thank you :) might not even be alive if not for you guys especially to those who seriously make everyday worth living for and that person too :) sigh. lets see how things go and finally over the fact that i can't keep hoping for the impossible to happen so making progress huh? sigh. really don't know whats gonna happen after these few weeks.

theres something i wanted to post yesterday morning due to another sleepless night but kinda ran out of time after taking a jog

.

9/18/2010 11:31:00 PM


man, my mum sure does know how to get rid of my fringe which she really detests :/ well. lost alot of it and my hair is wayy shorter and less puffy-er :/ hope it puffs up after another bath tomorrow :( my friends said that it looks girlier and alot less puffy :/

say hello to my fat squirrel face :( can't smile like mad or else it will turn out like this....

Publish Post

_(O) (O)
_(____ )
_ o ( ) o
(a puffy cheek thingy!)

man. at least i can see clearly now :) but then maybe i should have left it long for prom, see how ba. :/ hate my facee :/

patience level may be able to tolerate it but don't push it too far..

9/16/2010 09:57:00 PM

being stupid again?


anger and annoyance kinda starting to accumulate. hah hah. wrote an english essay and it really brought back so many memories for me.

have been suffering from a seriously bad headache since the start of english remedial today but took 2 strong panadols which aren't really working so well. shall try me best to get an earlier night if possible and not end up drooling over my worksheet again >:/ peace.

really sorry for my constant mood changes and i do understand everyone has their probs too and that ive got to agree my mood is like a roller coaster. i agree bout what you guys said in having to learn how to control it. but, sometimes i just wished you understood how over the years, my tolerance level has dropped drastically and how sometimes i just try not to show it when the anger really reached a point i could give someone a punch in the face and how i've got to learn how to control it? hah. but i have always been.. and my proof? no one has got a black eye yet right? other stuff? i just have my reasons. unreasonable reason right? my apologies but there are just things i can't explain and even when i do, its not believable enough...

honestly? why do you think the mind thinks so much at night. cause theres so much left unsaid in the day..
get my drift?

9/15/2010 11:29:00 PM

something I wrote a few nights ago.

9/14/2010 10:47:00 PM

just typed everything out on blogger.
everything i've got left to justify and tell them but after reading through it, can't help but cancel it halfway while it was sending and just delete the whole thing off my phone.

today is the night where everything gets accumulated and the night i can't take anything anymore.
the tears i've been holding back, everything. just broke today, tonight. what to do...

huge thanks to alex who called at such a coincidentally great timing and everything she said, it really means alot and something i will seriously think about, thanks :)

im immature and i've never sinned so much over such a minute situation before. but i just hope you'll understand when everyone says it will pass? now is now, the future is the future. just give me sometime to heal cause my wounds are deeper than i thought. if you are questioning what wounds can such a small thing give me and how idiotic i am? thanks but i just hope you'll understand and just view things from my point of view just for a moment and understand why i'm feeling this way.

the things i've managed to block out with this situation is all coming back.
one is never alone. get my drift

smile, just smile.

9/13/2010 09:02:00 PM

Why couldn't I be borned a robot with a cold metalic heart which never feels and just lead a sytematic life. 

Sigh really drained out and so much work to finish. I feel like a machine cause I'm out of oil and can't help but not move as I continue to lay here right on the floor. My system tells me I'm malfunctioning cause it's not working the way it should be. Someone turn the knob located within me and do me a favour and turn it from numb mode to normal cause my emotionless being can't move an inch but yet breathe the air in it's atmosphere.

Shattered.

9/12/2010 10:13:00 PM

man. really gained so much weight and gonna gain more tonight D: coffee here i come, man.

tonights gonna be party all night with math, amath and geog :) how fun :D heh heh, positive thinking :/ few more mins to the party with my books :/

a life i just killed, few seconds of silence for the little furry guy ): man. feel bad taking a pic of its corpse. lets name him/her fuzzie :(

R.I.P fuzzie :(

9/12/2010 09:18:00 PM

before ze departure to ze homework, can't help but feel really happy for my little bro :)
owe him big time for lifting my day today :D which was teaching him how to wash his head with a hell lot of soap :D and right now? his hair is soo awesomely clean and puffy :D awwww

gonna have fun doing homework tonight! woohoo! right? O.O

with the thought of getting my watch back tomorrow and the night light my mum bought for me 2 days ago, great feng shui man :)

peace!

something from this afternoon.

9/12/2010 02:54:00 PM



9/11/2010 08:18:00 PM

once i had a goal.
a goal to encourage me to exercise,
a goal to carry on as i aimed higher and higher,
a goal to push me on no matter what and bring a smile to my face.
right now?
i've lost that goal, that motivation.
ever since,
i've been feeling so drained, so tired.
losing that urge to push me and do so many things.
but ive finally realized,
i got to pick myself up today, right now.

im not going to deny im not going to let go just yet and that im feeling upset but my emotions from every situation that i've once managed to lock out from my brain are just coming back and starting to take over me. and never forgetting, 5 weeks left. its just, i really don't want history which happened years ago to replay itself all over again.

when it comes to physical pain, you can wear tons of armour and grab onto an unbreakable shield to protect yourself but when it comes to emotional pain, theres just no type of protection.

just no where to hide and no where to run..

9/10/2010 01:47:00 PM

Just finished math tuition and feel so discouraged. What right do I have to aim so high for something which i'm obviously no where near to. But do you know what makes things feel alot worst? It is the fact that despite all the constant efforts placed into it, there are no results at the end of the day. It's too early to think bout it now but it jut feels so discouraging. Inclusive of what had been goin on lately. Someone asked me what my motivation was or who, I just looked at her and said.
I just lost it.

Not feeling at the best of state today.

9/10/2010 12:10:00 AM

give me some time for me to heal.

9/09/2010 10:56:00 PM

i know its stupid and its actual hard, cold facts but yet, just need some time to absorb everything.

today started off really painfully but yet ended off with a cushioned land below

just can't help flipping the book back to beginning and constantly reread all the different chapters and words, hoping for a different ending which one already knows will never turn out to be.

9/09/2010 08:25:00 AM

uncertain.

off to study camp and was really looking forward to this day but after last night and how things are going, really having second thoughts. cause once i leave this house, i'll be going back to that place which grabs me within its clutches and be reminded as these imaginary daggers plunge into me all over again.

meeting that old friend today, really don't want to think so much especially when meeting up, sigh.

sometimes i wish someone would just come up to me, give me a hug and tell me everythings alright.
i feel like such a kid.

9/08/2010 10:36:00 PM

The weight is heavy. Watch me beg on my knees with these weights and burdens pulling me down from the sides of my shoulders. It kills.

dear blog,

i feel really crushed. really really pissed and upset. what emotion am i supposed to feel when it feels like the whole world is weighing down on you. do you know how much it hurts to see the people around you in pain. do one mistake and that one mistake will haunt you in another person's existence or body.

secondly,
my chest hurts and so does my heart.

you don't know how much you've just taken advantage of my feelings to you. You doubted it and ruthlessly crushed my heart into a million pieces.
you've just killed not just my physical but my emotional being as well..

life is cruel, that i admit. don't blame me for being stupid or depressed cause i have my reasons.
don't ask me to cheer up or smile right now cause tonight? i've never felt so much regret just in one night.

overall, i read people and sometimes i admit, may be reading too much but when it comes to a point im confident in what im reading, trust me. im sure im seeing the correct thing.

really on the verge of breaking down and the room is starting to spin.
going to take a bathe before i repeat that stupid and foolish mistake and regret again.

9/07/2010 08:51:00 PM

hah hah?



Among the crowd of faces you stood alone.
One approached you with a mask on.
You looked up at the stranger with a hidden identity behind a mask of your own.
Staring through the holes of the mask as you felt the feathers pressing against the side of your face.
You looked down and back up as you gave a straight face at this stranger standing right before you.
The stranger came closer as the stranger whispered something into your ears.
Your eyes grew larger with enlightenment as you moved back after listening.
You finally gave that one flawless smile as you elbowed your way through the crowd.
The stranger prompted you to come as you finally caught up.
You smiled as your eyes met.
“You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this day.”

That moment,
nothing in my world existed anymore
cause you were my everything.
I smiled back,
grabbed onto your hand
and brought it to my chest.
“Do you feel it beating?
Cause with you,
You are my every reason to live on.”

With you in my life, I don’t need anything.
I don’t need food or any wants or desires.
Cause with you present in my life?
That alone, makes me alive and gives me existence upon this Earth.

sudden thing that came out when i opened Microsoft just now. ^

i used to write but ever since something, the feeling never came back. its been years and months and i doubt it will ever come back. its strange after reading the posts i used to post years/ months ago and those things i would write. sigh.

everything i just typed was not due to a happy heart, but yet a heart that yearns for you under this cold fruitless moon.

9/06/2010 09:41:00 PM

if i could, i swear i would.

you know how they say the eyes are the windows to one's inner soul?

lifes been alright and honestly really really excited for tomorrow!!! :D causeeee...scary movie watching with coians :)

noticed how everyone is starting to get upset, sigh. my dear fwens cheer up k? :) *virtual hugs* figured my hyper real hugs may squish you guys to death soooo. lets stick to virtual hugs! *another virtual hug*

honestly? the days feel empty without you. but sadly? theres nothing i can do

9/06/2010 12:13:00 AM

no matter how strong it is, i've finally come to my senses and wonder is it a mistake?

really annoyed with myself, handed it my school work due tomorrow to my tutor yesterday so gotta to redo my essays :/ bahh humbug.. well, revision?

man, i really love these pics ...


i likeee you and i don't care what others say! MUAHAHHAHAHHAAHAAHAHHA

sigh. conserving energy for geog, peace!

9/03/2010 09:30:00 PM

aww man! so so so so happy now :D

nadira just told me miss song or one of the ncos have it! :D

WHEEEE!!!! LOVE YOU MAN!!! THANK YOUUU! :D

now, shall go back to concentrating on homework :)

9/03/2010 09:15:00 PM

damn bloody pissed and upset... AHHHH....

MY WATCH IS FREAKING MISSING D:

it seriously means ALOT to me and that watch was a gift from my mum.. ARGH.

accidently left it on the benches outside the amphi while rushing out of school and friends said that they didnt see when they packed their stuff later. returned to school at 6plus to check and its not there....

ahhh.... feels so empty without my watch..

without my watch, i feel like i've lost track of time. of everything. a part of me...

AHHH... really upset.... it means so much to me....

9/02/2010 10:29:00 PM

with all my emotions, feelings, stress and tiredness bombarded in just one go,
last night? the pain was excruciating.

i did something stupid. stupid enough to make me no different than the rest and honestly have no right to say what is wrong or right any longer.

yeah. my future self should know what your past self did yes? i felt so much pain. i just wanted to find something to over power that pain. something which could just tell me that the pain i felt wasn't comparable to whatever i felt.
I guess I was wrong.

to my friends who made me promise, i promise to keep that promise.

man. going to have a super early night today and try my best to wake up early and continue, really hope i do though.

thinking bout how fast time flies, today was our last honours day and the last time we are going to wear this red cross uniform as well. sigh. and just a few weeks left in sc, less than 10. no. 7? or maybe even 6. thats harsh :/

when we were young, they taught us to believe in ourselves, to follow what we truly believed in. but you know what the irony is? they never taught us if we should truly follow our foolish mind when meeting a dilemma, and in knowing what is correct and what is wrong. cause when we are determined to achieve something, our mind works in way to encourage us on and push us on with a one-set mindset but yet, in response, the heart speaks a totally different language.

9/02/2010 08:39:00 PM

The marks are gone. So did the pain which came along with them, so the external conflicts are gone right?

Need a break.

9/01/2010 07:12:00 PM

woke up in the wee hours of the morning last night. or today morning. i woke up as though i had a nightmare but no. it was a perfect dream. an extremely too good to be true dream. it killed me so badly after waking up, shucks. i need a totem just like the one in inception.

theres this problem. the last time i had a dream was months ago but today's dream was unbelievable. was determined to wake up and pen it all down but switched off after staring at the celing and woke up this morning and eventually wrote it all down before the clan meetup.

honestly? i feel hurt. like, the feeling of pain. of being shot by a bullet right in the heart. the chest.
im sorry for the vulgarities but im honestly pissed. trying something one last time. but yet really hesitant.

quote from my private blog..

*8.30am*
"
....then..

i fucking woke up.

that was when i knew it was a dream, a lie. a fucking lie.

my brain is nice to make me happy but then when i woke up. i was unable to sleep till half an hour or so. it hurt me so bad i couldnt breathe and on the verge of tears. i feel so lost.

everytime i closed my eyes, i imagine the hugh hotel like bathroom as i see that person saying, "when i said i was going to ignore you, i didnt mean ignore ignore everytime" and how "no one said it was impossible"

hello harsh reality."

im just being stupid.
being an idiot who constantly lie to myself with deceit and torture myself with the stupid choices i make in life.