as i blasted music into my ears, there was no song i could fully appreciate, constantly hearing only "ticks", skipping the tracks over and over again, i didn't want to think of you. neither do i want to be reminded of you or anything else right now, nor do i want to smile and lie to myself all over again.
having a serious problem. my head feels so clustered and it hurts so bad. really feel like breaking right now. but can't afford to, no. not at a time like this. chinese os in a 2 days, or maybe 1 and a few hours? got to concentrate.. need full concentration.
♥
5/28/2010 11:58:00 PM
Friday, May 28, 2010
a short summary of one's life.
sec1: missed primary like crazy at the beginning of the year. met the love and source that never failed to bring upon happiness, red cross. not only that, formed a clique and met my best friend who helped me through all the hardships in life. made many excuses for friends to come over to chat for long periods of time. met many awesome friends in class and we got closer, finding so much in common and doing the craziest things in life. entered the board. hyperness accumulated by every person walking by.
sec2: confused, lost soul which enjoyed going to school, red cross and everyday was like a dream till one finally faced how everything was ending. a year of sadness. many of my friends left the school, so many new things happened. soon, heard something and learnt lesson that life will never be prefect and sometimes, people aren't what they truly seem. became a cadet of the ECC (Evil Cactus Clan) . slowly bit by bit, everything starting tearing apart. ranging from the losing of friends to the stepping down of something which was really important to me. having nothing but a best friend by my side. getting addicted to lunia and calling my lunia bud up almost everyday, meeting online to increase our levels till the singapore server closed down. made excuses for friends to come over to chat for long periods of time. almost died of crying nonstop after reading several words on a sms which was meant for my own good but yet really happy that it was cleared up at the end of the day.
sec3: learnt something bout myself, something against my own morals. suffered from insomnia due to a few people and certain reasons which happened throughout the year. we took over and became ncos. went to a first CATS concert. grew distant to that one best friend, to my friends. quarelled with a friend who we thought we would never fight with forever. missed a chance and being forced to let go off something which was within my grasp despite of all the external help i got. fought really hard to come up at the end of the year during the time which risked many unhappy things. fell in love with my class 3co. tried to download lunia over and over again but still to no avail. met a really awesome person at the end of the year and got closer to 2 childhood guys. constantly returned to sc during the nov and dec hols to play basketball with a friend. bought me first bball. a year of depression, tears, truth and joy. the pain, led to losing 1/5 of me.
sec4: a half dead freak walking around with a tired and negative mindset. burnt out since the beginning of the year and having one's energy cut off earlier and earlier each night. became more idiotic through certain actions and became more open. fell even more in love with class, 4co. thankful for meeting certain people and really good friends who make life so much more interesting and worth while. formed the alliance of the LU against the ALA. finally let go of something which once killed me. os are coming up and anxiety increasing. still going breathless when seeing stuff.
still in sec4, typing these words with 3/5 of me left. recalling how the past years in sc have changed me, physically and emotionally. for the better or for the worst? i dont know.
was visiting my past self by reading all the blog posts ranging from sec1 to sec4. in sec1 till sec3, many posts were bout red cross, always having a "HAHAHAHA", pure crazyness and randomness, hardly having anything morbit unless a poem which was meant as a joke. sec2 was also a year of twillight. sec3 started to be filled heechul and the "laughters" started to fade off as the end of the year became closer and closer. sec4? was just dull. now? im typing this post.
what if, i ended it all today. writing the last page of the book. will i regret?
♥
5/27/2010 09:52:00 PM
Thursday, May 27, 2010
lets imagine we managed to rewind time and start anew.
coke and gastric never worked well together.
today, hah. will upload the vids soon. it really struck me hard how its the last day of school till june hols, how close our chinese os paper is and how today was actually our last normal school day meeting for red cross. it struck so bad. huge thanks to me awesome red cross buds for the words, really thank you :) really love you guys like crazy *hugs* sigh, gonna miss you guys like crazy when that "day" finally comes..
lets treasure every second and minute we've got left. really happy parents agreed to sign the june camp form :)
last night was the day. today? i wave and bid the something i kept holding on to. good bye to that piece that makes a fellow part of me. never have one cried so badly, for such a long time.
♥
5/27/2010 01:07:00 AM
Today I say bon voyage as I burn the memories we once had.
peace.
♥
5/24/2010 12:01:00 AM
Monday, May 24, 2010
Congrats. You've sucessfully killed me all over again.
Feeling really dead. :S Chinese os are so close and one week close to be exact, man. Times passing so quickly. Lying on my bed and listen to the radio app, it's awesome. will be posting 2 vids in the next post for fun and shall lock me laptop up somewhere till after os? Better sleep now or suffer from more deadness in school tomorrow morning, peace.
Hmm, wonder how the choir concert went
will you find it in your heart to let me rest in pieces.
♥
5/20/2010 07:57:00 PM
Thursday, May 20, 2010
a statue crafted with a smile of its face, made of purely glass, fragile and transparent. i see a crack. its going to break soon.
procrastinating! staring at the whole pile of books infront of me, bahh. shall get down to work after posting this *innocently grins*
just put on so so so much weight D: shall run tomorrow! woohoo! shucks, its gonna be raining for the next few days so prepare to hold onto those umbrellas dudettes! heh heh! honey by kara is playing on itunes now, getting a little high :D amath today! 4CO WE WILL ALL DO DAMN FREAKING AWESOME YEAH! :D
my fellow 4coian peeps, don't forget bout our game tomorrow, peaceos :)
like a statue made of glass, you stand there rooted to the ground, not having the ability to move but stare. a smile permanently crafted upon your face remains as the only thing that brightens the whole image. people rush past as they take a short glimpse at you, watching the stoned you stand there above that block of concrete. days, months and years go by as you remain in that same position, at the same spot, seeing the same thing over and over again. as the years go by, you start to crack, the tiniest cracks are getting bigger and bigger and sharp ends start budge out preventing these people to come closer. All of them held a mindset of danger, afraid to cut themselves by the sharp edges of the glass.
hates the feeling of one's own weakness.
theres really something wrong with me and today proved it all. when linda came back during break to return the calculator, gave her a huge hug, just broke down and muttered how much i really missed them and how its been so tiring. feeling really drained out nowadays, sometimes not evening remembering something that happened a few seconds ago and sometimes just going insanely knocked out. secondly, it just struck me. poc is coming up. hah, its strange how we watch out seniors pass out, leave the school and listen to them feeling upset as we nod our heads and think bout how it was going to be for us. now we know. time sure does fly, swishing past just like bullet train. the rides too short, can't we just buy another ticket and board the same train? tell me its not true. feeling so fragile. maybe its just because my emotions are hay wired, yes. it must be.
♥
5/19/2010 11:16:00 PM
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
hate how you are taking life as a game, as though its all like a simple little board game..
amath test tomorrow and can't seem to think straight, feeling so tired of everything. dying for a random phone call :S
"sometimes, certain actions are done for one's best. hate the best."
i take those words back.
certain actions are based on one's decision and no one else's. you, yourself choose your own actions to carry out, those actions you think is best for you. its your own choice, your own decision. if you don't do or do it, thats your problem. don't push the blame on other factors or sources, cause at the end of the day it all comes down to you individually. its your own choice, your own right. its your life, its you.
anyone got a cure? cause im ready to get out of all this shit.
*bears fangs*
♥
5/17/2010 09:37:00 PM
Monday, May 17, 2010
when i saw you with your back turned, it was when love clearly took
never scream and curse that lifes unfair, cause its forever going to remain that way.
rightos, bio test today. didnt exactly go so well. today hasnt exactly been such a good day, argh.. was staring at youtube and found this vid which totally cheered me up and made my day :)
hes freaking cute!!! :) HEECHUL!!!!!!! totally in love with their fourth album, the songs are BEYOND AWESOME! :D
sometimes, certain actions are done for one's best. i hate the best.
♥
5/16/2010 05:34:00 AM
Sunday, May 16, 2010
this is madness. pure madness... but shalln't say much cause chinese os are coming up in 2 weeks. decided to post a short update before clinging on to the soft bed behind me. its 5 plus and still not done with the hw, bah. will you believe it if i tell you 2 pens just ran out of ink D: the workload my tuition teacher gives me is pure madness but yet, chinese os. just finished copying out 12 compos, 2 dan yuans, 2 multiple choice parts. :S and theres still more..
never felt so weak before, excluding the h1n1 period. feeling so giddy right now and decided to stop after seeing my highlighter blink like a white traffic light, wheee? and bio test tomorrow! got to wake up in 3 hours time to help mum with groceries as promised and feeling a little nauseous right now, so nightos.
never drink 2 cups of coffee.
♥
5/15/2010 11:01:00 PM
Saturday, May 15, 2010
you sure do know the best words to cut me deep don't you.
you stare at the kitchen knife, stare some more, shake your head and walk off.
just drank 2 cups of coffee and really hope it can help me last throughout the night, finish all the tuition hw before getting slaughtered tomorrow and stare at white wall in front of me.
finally had a chance to go off to that one escape place a few days back, it was so peaceful :) a car almost ran over my ipod though. shall upload it here after cutting some parts out.
sometimes life makes you so happy but happy times do not necessarily last forever. i miss you guys.
peace.
♥
5/11/2010 11:40:00 PM
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
why does my heart cry..
my hearts turned cold. and it will forever remain that way. theres no turning back. no more.
♥
5/08/2010 05:37:00 PM
Saturday, May 8, 2010
words cut deeper than the sharpest blade existence on this planet.
hmm. happy thoughts, so..
:D
heh. lifes been confusing. but lifes just like that right? happy belated red cross day :) can't believe times passing so quickly :S seemed like only yesterday when we still little, cute, innocent sec ones walking around happily with our red cross unis throughout the whole day of school, smiling brightly as we proudly wear one or two badges on out uniforms, hahah! good times man, awesome times :)
feeling really dead today :S maybe shall go play a little resident evil with my bro after posting this. oh oh oh! the long waited suju 4th album comeback teaser came out yesterday and its AWESOME! hahah! really in love with another song which was just released by Miyro and Jea by BEG, Love is.. its such a beautiful song :)
didn't manage to find the lyrics so typed out the whole thing from the video which was english subbed. may this describe one's feelings
I didn’t feel anything when I first met you by chance The common greeting such as how are you was easy, but now its not. Baby you (My heart hurts just like it’s being ripped apart) I’ve not changed at all. No mater how time passes, I’ll still remember our past Baby you (My heart hurts just like it’s being ripped apart) I can’t let you go. No matter how you hurt me, I’ll still remember your face. Baby it’s you. Love is just a game.. Love is just a game… The game has ended, I believed it was over. It was only by that way could I live, so I could get past a day Your friends and mine knows us both. Sometimes they happen to talk about you I tried to pretend it’s nothing But I can’t, I (But I can’t) It has ended here.. Whenever I miss you, I tell myself it has ended( Our future is over) Love is just a game, Telling myself I don’t have to be in pain (Don’t need to go through that) Even though I tried to cheer myself up Baby you (My heart hurts just like it’s being ripped apart) I have not changed No matter how much time passed, I’ll still remember our past Baby you (My heart hurts just like it’s being ripped apart) I can’t let you go. No matter how you hurt me, I’ll still remember your face. Baby it’s you. Sometimes there’s a song being played by that musician which we used to enjoy listening to together When I hear those songs I go numb… I tired to get away… but I’m still like this Whenever I pass by places we used to visit together, I still wish for it I wish to see you even if it’s just by chance.. I’m still like this… (Missing you) Everybody says time will heal you (love is just a game) (Missing you) But it doesn’t have any effect on me (I’ll always be waiting for you) I thought you’d always be my boy Baby you (My heart hurts just like it’s being ripped apart) I can’t take it My heart hurts, my heart hurts just like it’s being ripped apart Baby you (My heart hurts just like it’s being ripped apart)
I can’t breathe. Going crazy, going crazy I just wanted you (Baby its you) Everybody says time will make everything alright (love is just a game) (Missing you) But it doesn’t have any effect on me, why, because love is just a game to me Love is not a game…
peace
♥
5/07/2010 09:27:00 PM
Friday, May 7, 2010
what if i told you i wanted to hold you within my arms and never let you go.
argh...
happy thoughts, happy thoughts...
♥
5/05/2010 10:15:00 PM
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
hahah, life just sucks doesn't it..
gonna accept reality and never harp over the past. continue with the present and look ahead into the future. no matter the pain, the sorrow, just have that bright smile on your face. that one smile to symbolise both happiness and sorrow as you take the next few steps into on this cold, heartless path of reality cheers!
think im going insane...
♥
5/04/2010 11:49:00 PM
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
im going to be bloody straight foward here. whoevers reading, congrats.
i hate how you have to go. i hate how you promised to be there for us all the way but yet leave so early. i hate the pacts of being there for one another till the end of our sec4 lives. i hate how you are leaving this place, where we all grew up together. ranging from the happiest to craziest times of our lives. i hate how you impacted my life from the darkest to the brightest times of my life.
blame me for being selfish and greedy but i don't want you to go, i swear i really don't. i don't want to see you leave, i hate to see you leave. if i bent on my knees and cried, will you stay? now its too late, no more backing out, no more choices or chances to change this fate. i'm still in self denial, lying to myself tomorrow is going to be the same, an ordinary day with the same old ordinary routine as i prepare my day of being screamed at by you. no, no more. those screams will no longer be heard as the place remain dull, morbit and quiet.
tell me this is a joke, a lie to make us suffer today, just for now. tell me its a cruel joke you don't intend in revealing till we told you we will never take anything for granted any longer. the pain right now suffered by all of us may sometimes seem unbearable but its worth it if you tell us you will not go. but i guess its too late.
as we watch you take your last few steps out of those gates in what you are wearing, you take not just our tears but our happiness and soul away from us, leaving us empty as both parties leave with watery eyes.
goodbye my dear friend. we must stay in contact.
♥
5/03/2010 11:45:00 PM
Monday, May 3, 2010
if only i had the courage to do the same thing you did.
learnt something today, resident evil really helps get over the fear of horror :) anyone up for a horror movie? wanna give it a shot, heh heh the past 3 days were one of the best days of my life :) burdenless and free moments in life. feeling a little more refreshed after the long break over the weekends and so, lets get ready for school?
freak ruth, get up.. get up before it never ends. dreading tomorrow..
♥
5/01/2010 12:48:00 AM
Saturday, May 1, 2010
let these words fill that wound in my heart.
happy happy birthday celineea! hahha!!!
really really needing an arm to lean on right now. sigh.
sometimes you face reality, a reality that forces you to look straight and no where else, the direction which showed you only the truth and not even the slightest lie. no matter how much it hurt you, reality continues to stand heartless, saying just 3 words to break you, whole. just face it.
♥
Disclaimer
Welcome to my blog of rants inspired through the scribbles of one's mind.
poem inspired by agatha, alex, celine
i starred at the fan on the celing,
lifting my watch to my eyes.
it was 12 am in the morning.
i looked out of the window
as i admired the clear night sky.
leaving my bed as i started to walk towards the table,
reaching out for that knife which laid there alone.
crying and crying,
as each crystal clear tear fell to the floor one by one.
feeling the fresh, cold blood rush out of my skin.
having its pain numbed by these falling tears.
and therefore. that was when the phrase,
"BLOODSHED TEARS" was formed :D
Name: Ruth Lee
A lost, confused soul wandering around this world with only a stick in one hand and a shield in the other. Birthdate: 21st Feb 1994
SCGS!!!
1PR 07. 2PR 08. 3CO 09. 4CO 10
Red Cross!!!
Fellow member of the CLAN (established in 2010)
Fellow Head of the L.U (established in 2010)
Fellow cactus cadet of E.C.C(established in 2008)
[Evil Cactus Clan]
Overall?
An unusual fwen who is in love with music and is contented with the simple pleasures :)
Pretty much just a lost confused soul wandering around this world with only a stick in one hand and a shield in the other.
But but! If you meet me one day, come up to mua and whack me on the back and you'll get a poke in return :D
but if you whack me when im holding something, expect a whack filled with torns >:)
But honestly?
Hmmm. Lets just say there's more than meets the eye
*grins*
A list of hopes:
chance to go star gazing
chance to enjoy the sunset at the sea side
chance to meet (people) in the future
chance to play lunia with me lunia buddy, wenqian
for both hands to clap instead of one
lots of stuff my dear friend, lots of stuff :) something i know one cannot achieve
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